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The last few days have been painful. God’s been releasing a lot in my life and after having to give up control and the hope of restoration, now I feel him taking me this new direction. Giving up the hope of my ex husband. I realized suddenly last night that “marriage restoration” that God promised to me might not apply to my ex. He might have been promising restoration for my marriage as in marriage and family with a new husband, a man after Gods heart. Or He could have been

My steady prayers went up again last night. “God, trade his heart of stone for a heart of flesh. Fill him with your Spirit.” As I was praying this, I remembered a conversation he and I had had two days ago. It was a reprise of our April 19th conversation in cliff notes form. Bullet point list – He is happy with his current life and fiancee. He doesn’t know what God has planned, but isn’t looking to start something new. I told him that I still love him and he was glad to know

Romans 8:18-21 MSG I don’t think there’s any comparison between the present hard times and the coming good times. The created world itself can hardly wait for what’s coming next. Everything in creation is being more or less held back. God reins it in until both creation and all the creatures are ready and can be released at the same moment into the glorious times ahead. Meanwhile, the joyful anticipation deepens. For those with a calling on their life…A promise from God. For

A character in a book can really do anything. They start out as a blank slate and it’s up to the author to draw some lines around them to really define who they are. The dictionary defines “Character – the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual.” Things that will define a character are their morals and values. The things that they believe and don’t believe. This helps determine the villains from the heroes. This determines their actions, their behaviors, thei

Isaiah 46:10-13 From the beginning I predicted the outcome; long ago I foretold what would happen. I said that my plans would never fail, that I would do everything I intended to do. I am calling a man to come from the east; he will swoop down like a hawk and accomplish what I have planned. I have spoken, and it will be done. ”Listen to me, you stubborn people who think that victory is far away. I am bringing the day of victory near – it is not far away at all. My triumph wil

I’ve been so stressed out the last few days. I need to get it out of me, because Lord I feel like I am going to have a breakdown otherwise. Chris texted me again this morning. It was the first time in about a week and I immediately responded to him. I don’t remember what the text said except that it was something about talking to the kids. So this morning I’ve been having this war going on inside me. On the one side, I want to do every single little thing perfect. “Lord, did

This place is peaceful. It’s also shadowed and frightening at times. The shadow of His wings. It is dark, but He is here. That is enough. Recently, I got the most devastating, shaking news. My ex is engaged to his most recent girlfriend. It broke me for about 10 days. My first thought with that punch to the gut text from my ex was “God, are you even real?!” It’s all I could see as a possibility anymore. Because my foundation has been grounded fully in this. Not to say that Go

“I’m not letting go of my ex-husband. He should have never left us like this.” And God says “Stop holding him!” I’ve been struggling again with holding him and God made it plain to me once again tonight. I had the thought of “What if he comes walking up and knocks on the door right now?” I would let him in. He would ask me to sit down and then explain to me that God has done a miracle and changed his heart, that he loves the Lord now and that he is not the man he was before.

He came into the light. It was only for a brief moment, but I saw it! He came to visit us on Naomi’s birthday and came to her birthday party. It was the first time in a long time that my family has been able to see him. They were all friendly as they always have been. It’s hard for a man who blames my family to continue to believe that lie when they are standing in front of him, showing actions different to his beliefs. But I get it. He has to believe that lies or he has to f

“2019 is the year of Salvation. The year the prodigal comes home.” I was getting ready for church on Wednesday January 9th. God had asked me on January 3rd, 2019 to take a giant leap of faith. First, he told me that He is recalculating and has decided to change the pace. I told him of course that yes, whatever He thinks is right, I am going to follow and trust Him, but why is he doing this? He told me He can trust me with this. He asked me to take this leap of faith on Januar

Matthew 6:19-21 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” There was a young man who invited his older friend to dinner in his home. They laughed and enjoyed each other’s company, discussing work and life. Th

Israel opened her eyes, pushing aside a bit of the dirt beneath her feet. She breathed out a sigh as a drop of sweat slipped between the creases in her eyebrows. “My victory is in Jesus name.” She clenched her fist and then she stood. The dust of the floor whipped around her feet. The chain metal clinked as she rose. She shook her long brown hair behind her head and pulled a helmet into its proper place. Her fist clenched tighter around the sword and she sunk it into its shea

I haven’t written in a while, but I need to update yall. Truthfully, I don’t even know what to say, except that God is incredibly strong and He is at work. I do see it! Saturday was horrible and amazing all rolled into one. Chris was going to see the kids for the first time this whole summer. Since May 20. I was scared and worried about the kids. He wanted to take them to the amusement park in Denver and was going to drive down to pick them up (an hour between he and I) and t

This time was strange. It wasn’t like all the last times when God spoke. Usually when He speaks to me, He gives me a vision of something going on in my life, followed by confirmation of the step He is asking me to take. He begins confirming it in his word, through sermons, through my friends and family, in situations. I see clearly. Not only what He is doing, but where He is planning on going with this. I never realized how dependent I have been on Him speaking in precise and

I am yours! That is who I am! Last night, God gave me this amazing realization. I was thinking of Chris and how we used to be at night. When we would cuddle in the bed and how he felt against me, when he put his arms around me, or when he held my hand. It was always good and I loved it, but when I started to remember it, it was like I could feel him there with me and it was so empty! I would feel him against me and then at some point I would have enough of that. I would hold

Lord, somehow you are going to overwhelm Chris. He will wake up and realize he has hit rock bottom and there is no where else to go. And then you will go to him and tell him that you love him and this isn’t the life he is supposed to have. Zaccheus made the best of his situation, but it was not a good life and when you came and spoke to him, he realized it wasn’t the life he wanted. Chris will be the same. He has made the best of his situation, but it is not a good life and w

God had this amazing breakthrough with me this morning and I am determined to press on and move forward. I told you about the latest vision in the last post, but I will give a recap. This vision was especially personal to me, because it was very clearly about me and not so much about Chris and I. The picture was a chasm that had ripped through the desert ground, causing a canyon to form between Chris and I. As I am looking back at the way I came from along the edge of the can

I haven’t had the will to get up and write for over a week. I’m finally pulling myself together to do it. It’s been a rough week. We had counseling scheduled last week on Monday for noon and Chris texted that day to ask if I would go shooting with him. I was planning on being out for the counseling session already so I said yes, to let me know the time. He asked how about noon and I said we can’t. That’s when the counselor is scheduled. He said he needed to talk to me about t

God has been doing some crazy amazing things recently. I can’t understand it all and I don’t have to. I am praying for understanding, but much of this is God asking me to trust him. I felt the Lord stirring my heart and I texted him a few nights ago. “I give up.” An hour later he texted me back “what?” and at 4am, God was waking me up to pray and I answered my husbands text. “You are a sex addict. We broke up almost 8 months ago and in that time I thought somehow that you car

I called Chris today and apologized. And I broke things off again. After a week and a half of spending lots of time with my ex, I see very clearly that God hasn’t done the work yet that He has promised to do. He has clearly been speaking to Chris, but Chris is not ready to turn his eyes away from the world and towards God. Am I disappointed? Oh, I’d be such a liar if I said no! Of course, I want God to do the work. BUT God, this is all in your timing! I will be faithful. I wi