If you have been following my blog then you know that my ex and I had a moment of tenderness last Sunday. We spoke about our problems. I shared how God sees him. His walls started to become weak and crumble a little bit. But something happened in that that I had not expected to happen and I see Gods hand at work all over this. Last night, we had a breakthrough!
Ephesians 6:12 “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”
A little further backstory is that Thursday I was exhausted and God was keeping me up speaking to me. I finally got up and wrote my ex husband Chris an email. The gist of it was that he has been hiding behind a mask. A beautiful mask mind you – his talents, charm, humor, wit. He is such a charming and wonderfully outgoing person and people love him instantly. But I explained that he feels I disrespected him all these years and he was right. I lost respect for him, because that beautiful mask, that really first attracted me to him, was hiding the man inside of him that I really love. The man inside is a great husband, but loyalty is hard, especially when your wife is disrespectful and angry, so he gave up. The man inside him is a great dad, but that is terrifying and hard, so he quit. The man inside him loves the Lord with all of his heart, but he started to believe that God didn’t care one way or another about him, so he gave Him up. I started to despise his mask, because it hid his true self. I told him the next day on text that I wish I hadn’t sent the email. I was worried he would think it was judgemental. Somehow though, when he read it, something broke through.
Isaiah 43:19 “See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”
Yesterday, Chris had asked me to go shooting with him. I said I would like that. He asked if I could go during the day though, because he would be in in the morning. I told him no, because I had work and when I prayed about it, God reminded me that we are friends and I would not miss work for another friend unless it was some kind of emergency or something very important, so I declined. Chris I think was disappointed. He said he couldn’t stay until the afternoon, so we couldn’t go then. I told him it was alright. We would see him later in the week. Around 12:30 though, he texted to ask if he could stop by my house to fix something on his car. I said yes and offered to give him the garage code if he needed his jack. He went in and was hanging out in the garage and fixing his car and at 1:30 said that he wanted to see me. I told him I would like that and I am off at 3 and can be back to my house with our kids at 3:30. He said he would wait and asked if he could wait inside. I told him yes so he went in to the basement.
The kids and I got home and it was so nice. They were wrestling and playing with their dad and enjoying his company. He had asked earlier if I wanted to watch The Greatest Showman with him in the basement if he rented it and I had said no. I didn’t want to put ourselves in a position where things could happen. No Netflix and chill thx. That’s not part of God’s plans here. So when we got back, he said he knows I would love this movie and he promises he won’t try anything. He just really wanted to see it with me. He knows that this movie is a trigger for me. He took his not girlfriend to see it several months ago. But he also knows that I love musicals (fun fact, I was a theatre major in college). So I agreed to watch it with no Netflix and chill involved. And it was amazing. Yeah, I cried a little! Much of the story was very heart wrenching, because it was mirroring our story.
After the movie we ate pizza, talked. We went up to the rooms to show him what we had done to get the house ready for rentals. We hung out more and watched more movies together. He played with the kids. And we had a chance to sit down and talk. And this is where I saw God really beginning to peel some layers back.
Emily called while we were sitting together and I asked if he was going to answer it. He said no, that he had broken things off with her. I was a little shocked honestly and asked him what happened. He was wishy washy with her, which is honestly expected, but he told her that he was trying to work things out with his ex and he can’t sleep with her anymore. Seriously, I’m still a little stunned. I asked did they have sex? Did they kiss? You know me. Always having to press it. He said no. She told him she knew this was going to happen and she was angry at him and he left. She wants to know if he is going to be there for her surgery. She does indeed have cancer and has to have her lymph nodes removed.
And I started praying and asked God to speak through me in that moment. Then I asked if I could speak to him as a friend for a moment and he said yes please. I told him that the Bible tells us to not let the little foxes even play in the vineyard. What that means is don’t even let temptation come near to you. The little foxes might just be playing, but eventually they ear the buds off of the flowers and the vine can not produce fruit. I told him that if he is really seriously not interested in Emily, he should not be leading her on. I compared him and her to me and my ex boyfriend that he strongly dislikes. I told him that all that guy did was waste my time. It was like a light came on for him.
”You think I am wasting Emily’s time?”
I told him if he is not interested in her seriously, then yes! She could go and find someone who can actually love her and be there for her with their whole heart, but if you don’t want her, then all of your best efforts will just hurt her when you leave. You might think you are helping her, but you are just hurting her.
I explained about me and Steve then and how God had made a promise to me about an alternate joy filled marriage if I could not endure the wait and the pain. That he would let me be married again and be happy, but that it wasn’t his best plan. His best plan is for restoring me and my husband. He was tense during this part, but I explained that I was attracted to the Spirit inside Steve. That the Holy Spirit is great in him and Chris said “I know that is important to you.” I told him that when it started to get serious, I was so conflicted and told Steve I needed a week to fast from talking to him, so that I could pray and hear what God was telling me. But after 6 hours I texted to tell Steve no. That I like him, but I love God and I want what He wants for me. I want His best plan and so I can’t date him. And if Chris really cared about Emily or himself, he would look forward and realize that the closer he walks towards the edge, the more likely he is to fall over. But I told him about the miracle I saw from my talking with Steve because a month after we had stopped talking, he texted to tell me that he and his wife who he has been divorced with a year and a half have reconciled their marriage. That God has a better plan for Steve’s life and Steve trusted God with that and that God has a better plan for us too and I am trusting God with that. He seemed relieved and recognized that this will take time and work to heal, but it is possible if we are both in it.
After all of the talking, we sat together and cuddled ON TOP of my bed with the door open and we kissed a little. It was really amazing but he got excited again and I apologized. I told him that I don’t want to use him and he said I could, but I told him no. In the Swipe Right sermon by Levi Lusko, he talks about pineapples and when they first came to our country, they were rare, expensive, and hard to import. They would sell for around $8000 for one and people would have viewing parties to just see one. Not even eat them! Just see it! That they were carved into architecture and there were pineapple rental companies. They were extremely precious, but as the demand went up, so did the supply and they started importing them in mass. He shows a can of pineapple chunks and explains that now, we can buy the chunks canned on a shelf for next to nothing. I told Chris I am a pineapple. I am not pineapple chunks. I am a pineapple. I am valuable and precious and worth so much, because that is how God sees me and who he made me. Then I told him that he is a pineapple too. I will not use or abuse him or treat him as less then as valuable as he is. Me having sex with him is using him and I won’t do that to him or to me. And I think that really touched his heart deeply. He said “You are a pineapple.” And he jumped on me the way he used to and kissed me and I kissed him back. It was just such an amazing moment.
He went home late. It was almost 10:30 when he finally left and he had to be awake early. He had stayed to try to help me find my phone which was just gone. I finally found it 45 minutes after he left and called to tell him. He said good and we talked about where it was (under the couch in a crevice cause I know you would be curious if you didn’t know! Lol). I asked him if he had called Emily back and he said no, but he was about to cak her to tell her that he really can’t see her anymore. I was shocked and said “Woah really?” And he said yeah. He wasn’t sure what he was going to say. I asked him could I pray for him? He said yes.
I prayed that God would put his hands around him and hold him. That He would speak the words straight into Chris’s ear and that Chris would feel peace as he’s talking. I prayed that Gods will would be done, whatever that was. Even if it didn’t meet my agenda, that He is God and he knows best. I prayed for Emily that her heart would be open to receive the words. That she would feel God’s hands around her and know that God loves her. That God would show her His purpose for her life, because she is His child and He loves her. That she would feel His love surrounding her and wouldn’t settle for less then all God has for her life. I also prayed that God would put his healing hand down on her and miraculously heal her body. That the cancer would be gone. And then I prayed for God to guide Chris and give him wisdom to know which way God is leading him and the courage to walk in that way. After that, we said goodnight and hung up.
I know it’s a very long story and it took me two sittings to type all this out, but God is moving and I so desperately don’t want to be afraid. I want to be as brave as a Lion and know that God has me in His hands and hasn’t left me. He is moving in ways I can not understand, but I know His ways are best and I will continue to walk in them.
Isaiah 30:21 “Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it.’”
And today, He showed me a new thing. He showed me on the boat again and this time, He stepped out and called me to follow Him, so I stepped off the wet planks and put my hand in his hand and my feet on the water and began walking after him.
Be still (quiet the grind), stand your ground (on the Lord – your rock and foundation), love (regardless), and trust in the Lord.