Updated: Dec 27, 2019
“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:33-34
All these things. All these things that my heart aches for and cries for. God, for Chris’s salvation. Lord please, for the restoration of a dead marriage. God you can do it, for a husband who will love you first and love me second. Jesus, please help me release him.
And yet, look at that verse. Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness. Seek first. Seek is defined as and “attempt or desire to obtain or achieve”. My desire should be to obtain God FIRST. And not to obtain God for someone else, but for myself. God is chasing ME down.
“The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” 2 Peter 3:9
I remember when we first began the divorce, the vision that God had given to me. I was standing on the Rock. I was reaching out my hand again and again trying to pull Chris out of the water. It was storming, but he was so happy in that ocean of sin. He kept floating up to me, putting his hand out to me. I was so filled with hope. I would reach out with tears running down my cheeks and take his hand. He would take my hand. For me, there was trust and intimacy as I began to pull him up. For him, there was convenience and comfort as he used me to come up for a breath of air. Then he let go and I couldn’t hold him. I had to drop him. He laughed and floated back out into the water. He used me to get a break. He didn’t really want me or care. And I looked at the Lord standing right next to me as He began to stand up. The Lord had been reaching out His hand to Chris too. Chris refused to take Gods hand. No, he always took mine. I was standing in God’s way and God finally asked me to walk away. I didn’t want to and for a long time I was resistant, but finally I conceded. I walked away. My hand was not reached out for him anymore. Still, I sat on the shore waiting. I waited. And God told me so clearly that His plan was to set Chris on a different Rock.
He asked me to leave it behind and I know why. Nothing takes the place of the Lord on the throne of my heart. My heart then was for a good marriage, a happy family, the picture perfect life. There is nothing wrong with these things and God actually wants to bless marriage and family and give us, His children, good things! I know God’s heart is for marriage. He hates divorce. Yes, I know all of these things, but I also know that God would rather prune back a branch that is not producing fruit, then allow it to remain and be unfruitful. I know that if my heart, my eyes, my mind are not first fixed on Him and if He is not sitting on the throne of my heart, none of these things added will actually be from Him. The marriage, I put that together myself. The family, I wanted it so badly and I got what I wanted with my own efforts. My hands put it all together, then begged God to bless it.
Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
Instead of the yoke of my desires, I am taking on the Lord. I saw Him finally cut the final tie to the past. My desire for restoration. He’s broken it off of me fully. I realize how much I had made this prize an idol. But God has bigger plans for my life then the plans I come up with. Maybe His plan is restoration. Maybe His plan is a new marriage. Maybe His plan leaves me single forever. Whatever He has for me, I’m going forward and I’m leaving the past behind.
Philippians 3:13b-14 “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
If you don’t change your direction, you end up exactly where you’ve been going. What are you paying attention to and walking towards and worshiping and allowing to take the throne of your heart? I’ve been giving attention for too long to sickness and wickedness and evil of an unrepentant prodigal. Yes, I still pray for him to be saved. I will every day until God keeps that promise. But this desire will not overwhelm me one moment longer. I am changing my direction and instead I am walking towards the cross. My attention and worship will be for the Lord, not for this man, his sin, his salvation, or any other shiny things in this world.
Psalm 37:1-4 “Do not fret because of those who are evil or be envious of those who do wrong; for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away. Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”
Thank you Jesus for the trials I’ve gone through. Even these last two years of holding onto a hope for restoration, because you’ve brought me to this place of godly sorrow and repentance. Lord, I delight in you. I love you with all of me. Thank you for showing me the way to walk. Thank you for a new hope for my future.
He came to the pit of hopelessness and despair that I had fallen into as I waited and waited in hope of restoration, instead of hope in the Lord. But He so graciously came to my pit and in the same way, He put His hand out to me. I took it and He pulled me up. He put me back on his path and He pointed me in the right direction. And then He put friends around me to walk with me. He didn’t leave me alone on the path either. He told me that it wasn’t good for me to be alone. That he needed me to have people around me to walk with me. I am so grateful for these people and I know this is the first of many blessings He is pouring out over me fresh again and I walk into this new hope. Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I reach for Your hope for my future and Your plan for my life! Forget the plans that I had. Just give me Jesus!