Lord thank you! He has pushed me forward into the next season of my healing journey and I am so blessed to be here. He passed me forward from a time of trial in the storms into a time of joy in the peace.
My birthday was April 19 and I got one of the best gifts I’ve ever received. God covered me in His wings and put this peace that passes understanding over me. He told me I am his bride. His queen. And I am supposed to keep my head up and behave like his queen. It’s made all the difference in my attitude and that has so greatly impacted my perspective of this storm.
God has reminded me that my love must be sincere. I asked “How can I sincerely love someone who has wounded me so deeply?” And His answer has changed my perspective once again. You sincerely love your enemies by already being filled up with love and that love comes from God. I can rush past him in the bustle of every day and let him pour drops into my cup as I pass him, or I can linger beside him, beneath him, and let his waterfall overtake me and fill my cup and overflow it too. If my cup is full and overflowing, then I don’t look to Chris to fill me. And when I look at him, I can see clearly that he really is an empty vessel with nothing to give anyways. And it changes my perspective more then to realize that my love must be sincere, because although he has nothing to give me, he desperately needs the overflow of Gods love in my life. It makes him long for me and long for what I have with the Lord.
I saw God use this in me. The weekend after my birthday, I took my kids to Denver and he came to an amusement park with us. I was kind. I asked how he was doing. We rode rides together. He even tried to play around throwing a ball at me in the ball pit and smiling. When we were walking together, he told me he knows the guy who makes these ski chairs we saw all over. I told him “Yeah. That’s our neighbor. Well….my neighbor.” And he answered “Oh! You’re the one who told me that! I get my stories mixed up.”
It made me laugh in my heart just a little and also sad a little too. It is easy to get stories mixed up when you are regularly lying, to others and yourself, about who you are. He doesn’t know who he is, but God, you know! And I know that in time, you will show him who he really is! A man of God. A good dad. An amazing husband. He is those things deep inside him and you will bring those to the surface when he chooses to submit.
But God kept showing me that he is not there yet. He is still in the drowning in his sin stage and I am honestly blessed to see that. Thank you God even though I don’t need to know your plans. Thank you that you keep revealing things to me and encouraging me and giving me hope through the storm.
We were leaving the park together. We started talking about a time our car was towed and how we had to walk through hours in the dark through the city. It was a really fun memory and made us laugh. He was going to ride with us back to his apartment, so I asked him to drive. The passenger seat was messy. He got in and started to drive, but we got caught in traffic leaving the park. I had Klove on the radio and I wish I could tell you what song was playing, but I don’t know. All I know is he was overcome with emotion suddenly and he said “I’m not waiting in this traffic. I’m walking.” And he got out of the car and left. No goodbyes, no hugs. He just ran. And that honestly made me laugh a little too. For years he has blamed me saying that I condemn him, but he doesn’t understand that this isn’t my condemnation. This here is conviction from the Holy Spirit and he can’t run from that. I don’t know what God is doing here. Lord, I don’t know how this is significant or what it all means, but I know you are good and your plans are so good and I trust you completely, so your will be done.
I did not cry when we left. I didn’t binge eat. I didn’t ponder over the situation. I left it all in God’s hands and that to me is confirmation that God is working in my life and healing me.
Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
I finally have contentment in my season of singleness. I know I am human. There will still be days of sorrow and hurting. There will still be those moments, but God is shifting my attitude and perspective on all of these things. Today, thank you God for my divorce. You weren’t satisfied to leave us in this broken state we were in and I am grateful for that. I am realizing who I am now, because it is who you say I am.
Sharon, enjoy this season of singleness my beloved. It is a gift and it won’t last forever or even long. You will very likely miss it when it is gone so enjoy it while it lasts. I am your husband and I am enough for you. Lord you are enough and I love you. I decided to marry you and I love being married to you. I don’t want any less than as much of you as I can get. You are my everything. This singleness is awesome. I eat what I want when I want. I go and have whatever fun I want. I spend my money on what I want and I have complete control of my finances. I don’t worry about Chris or his issues. He doesn’t hurt me anymore. I go to the movies, take the kids out, go to church when I want. I make all my decisions and have control over my life and my life is following you so it’s amazing. I don’t have to be torn in two anymore. I don’t try to please. I give when I want to and I have you. Thank you God. I can make extra money with my vacation rental when I want or need it. This is a great life! It really is! I have help with the kids. It’s hard but also easy and I love it. I am so glad for my new life. I do want my husband home too, but I will wait as long as it takes for you to do the work. He was an okay guy, but he is going to be an amazing man of God. I can wait as long as it takes for THAT man to marry me. You are awesome. You must really adore me to want such goodness for me.
Lord, thank you! I know you will do what you’ve promised to do and I have decided to enjoy my life, no matter what happens. If he never comes home, okay. I am still your daughter, your beloved, your bride. I want him, but I don’t need him to be happy. And if he does come home, okay good there too. But no matter what, Lord even if he never comes home, please still change him. Heal his heart. Find him. Search for him in the storm and help him to find you and reach for you. Rescue him Lord.
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, aplanting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.