September 16, 2017 we went to a baby shower. He played with all the little kids. Running and keeping them busy, while their parents took photos. He grabbed one little boy away from a pool. I was proud. I was so happy. It was so much fun even if it was just a baby shower, because I was spending time with the man I love and our kids that I love. That was a Saturday.
Sunday was hell. It all came crashing down on Sunday. I woke up early in the morning around 4am to go to the bathroom and noticed his phone was unlocked and active on the table top. Back in the day, I would have taken the opportunity. He is secretive and I don’t often get a chance to snoop through his phone, because he keeps the password secret. Normally, I would have snooped. This time I said no. “No Lord. We made family values that I intend to commit to. Respect was the first one on there, so I want to respect him in this. Self control was second on there and Honesty too. I have to believe that he is being honest with me and controlling himself. So I am going to control myself. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you is on our list. He isn’t doing anything to me that is evil. Nothing that he would not want to fall back on his own head. And faith was the last one. I have faith in him that he is being faithful to me. No, Lord. This is a temptation and I am going to resist.” I went back to bed.
And 4 hours later, when I got up, the phone was still awake, open, and unlocked. Anyone who has an iPhone knows eventually the phone goes to sleep and locks itself. But on Sunday, September 17, 2017, his phone did not. I took the phone and locked myself in the bathroom, double clicked the home button and began scrolling through currently running apps. The first one open calls itself “Line”. I clicked it and my whole world fell apart.
Messages between him and this other woman. Videos, photos. Plans being made for their future. I love you I love you I miss you I love you. Everywhere. My stomach turned. My heart raced. Blood rushed to my head. I couldn’t even read it all. I messaged and asked “are you Chris’s girlfriend?” She responded “?” I started taking screen shots thinking I needed evidence, but suddenly rage sprang out of me. I burst through the door. I threw back the blankets and grabbed him by the shirt. I dragged him, dazed and confused, from the bed and tried to throw him down the stairs. He made it about two down and caught himself. I was cursing him the whole time. Asking who she was and where he met her. He said she was from Thailand. They met in Japan while she was visiting. He was still confused and saying things he didn’t mean to say. I was crying and screaming. I don’t know what was said. I don’t know how it all ended. In fact, that whole day is a blank on my memory after that point.
But I do know that that night, he told me he was leaving. He needed a chance to clear his head and figure out what he wanted. I told him okay, I would respect his decision. But he didn’t leave. And the next night, again he said he would leave, but didn’t. And again on Tuesday night. Wednesday, he came in after work. He told me he loved me and he kissed me. Then he said it again. “I’m leaving tonight.” I didn’t understand. He had been saying it for days and hadn’t, so I asked him if he was sure and he said yes. Then he said he wanted to have sex. We did. It was not satisfying for either of us, but it made me feel like we were both trying and that meant so much to me. I woke up at 2am, Thursday, September 21. He was gone. He hadn’t said goodbye or kissed me when he left. He just left.
I heard from him again Friday morning. A text message “Hey”. From a Thailand country code number. He hadn’t gone to clear his head or figure out what he wanted. He went to finish what he started while he was deployed. It was purely innocent he told me. They just went on one date and kissed but didn’t have sex. I should be able to forgive that. But when my reaction was anger, not forgiveness, he regretted his slight amount of self control and decided he should have just had sex with her. So he abandoned me and our kids one month after he returned home. So that he could finish what he started. Innocent right?!
Innocence wouldn’t have someone else in the wings. Innocence wouldn’t even have an option to go to someone else’s arms and bed. “You don’t even know what we did while I was there. She told me I should go back to you.” Was that before or after she bought your plane ticket, ran a married man around Bangkok, and had sex with him? You are a fool and she is Delilah. The Bible warns against this woman.
10Then out came a woman to meet him, dressed like a prostitute and with crafty intent. 11(She is unruly and defiant, her feet never stay at home; 12now in the street, now in the squares, at every corner she lurks.) 13She took hold of him and kissed him and with a brazen face she said: 14“Today I fulfilled my vows, and I have food from my fellowship offering at home. 15So I came out to meet you; I looked for you and have found you! 16I have covered my bed with colored linens from Egypt. 17I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes and cinnamon. 18Come, let’s drink deeply of love till morning; let’s enjoy ourselves with love! 19My husband is not at home; he has gone on a long journey. 20He took his purse filled with money and will not be home till full moon.” 21With persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk. 22All at once he followed her like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deera stepping into a nooseb 23till an arrow pierces his liver, like a bird darting into a snare, little knowing it will cost him his life. 24Now then, my sons, listen to me; pay attention to what I say. 25Do not let your heart turn to her ways or stray into her paths. 26Many are the victims she has brought down; her slain are a mighty throng. 27Her house is a highway to the grave, leading down to the chambers of death.
Lord, help me forgive first of all. Distill this bitterness in my heart, but don’t replace it with love. Just for my own sake, help me forgive. I pray for him, that you won’t forget him. Your will be done in both of their lives.
While he was gone, I prayed. So many prayers, but God gave me many pictures of prophecy. One was me standing on the rock, at the edge of the water. My husband floating in the sea. Many times, he came and put his hand out for me. I took him. I tried to take him out of the water. I couldn’t. He would drag me down a little. I would let go. He would float out, laughing, but intending to come back. Never intending to get out. Out of the sea of his sin. Just intending to use me to pull him out for a breath. Not to get out. This song is for me. Stay away from the water. Walk away. Walk away from the edge of the water. Let him find his own way out. The only way out. The Lord.