I haven’t had the will to get up and write for over a week. I’m finally pulling myself together to do it. It’s been a rough week.
We had counseling scheduled last week on Monday for noon and Chris texted that day to ask if I would go shooting with him. I was planning on being out for the counseling session already so I said yes, to let me know the time. He asked how about noon and I said we can’t. That’s when the counselor is scheduled. He said he needed to talk to me about that and he would talk to me in person.
I already knew what that meant. Chris does his break ups in person. I prepared my heart. He called me later.
We talked and he told me that Emily has stage 3 cancer and really needs him right now. That he knows we were going to try to reconcile, but he needs to be there for her. I asked would he want us both together to be there for her and he said she really just wants to spend one on one time with him.
I am not stupid okay y’all? She is his scapegoat. I know the truth is he isn’t ready to give up his addiction. He left today for a deployment and he plans to sleep around with whoever he can find while he is there. Emily tolerates being his sex buddy and not his girlfriend. I won’t even agree to sex until marriage. And sex is a driving factor for him. He is an addict.
He said he spoke to a friend and the friend told him it was a tough place he is in. Someone is going to get hurt. I stopped him.
I told him no. I am going to make this easy on him. I am a queen. I am the daughter of God, beloved, bride of Christ and I will only be with a man who sees my value and treats me as a valuable person because that is who God says I am. He is not God and he will not tell me my worth. That being said, “I don’t want you.”
He was shocked. “Are you serious?” And I told him yes, I’m dead serious. I hung up.
I spoke to the counselor afterwards and he did an assessment. He concluded that I am an intimacy aneroxic. I withhold intimacy, but he was convinced that it was a learned defense mechanism. It is something I can overcome with Gods help.
Then he did his assessment of Chris (keeping in mind that it was my answers for him, but still, the counselor told me things about Chris that are completely true of him, so I believe the results). He is an intimacy aneroxic, he is a sex addict, he is codependent, and he is a narcissist. He sounded hopeless.
I told the counselor about God’s promise to me of marriage restoration. I asked him what his opinion of all that was. And he told me honestly. There is no hope for Chris. He said if it was one or two issues he might say there was hope, but to have all of these problems. There really is no hope.
And then God reminded me of something He had told me years ago. “Where there is no way, I will make the way.” And I remembered the sermon from the day before. It was about not quitting when things seem impossible. We serve the God of impossible.
God, there is no way. This man is so far gone and he permeates evil. He is so selfish. There is no way for any human to help this man. God, only you can do this work.
God reconfirmed his promise to me on Friday. At worship, we sang that song. “Where there is no way, you make a way. Where no one else can reach us, you find us.” I have not been able to reach this man. Only God can find him.
I ended things on bad terms. I called him the next day when he didn’t show up for our sons kindergarten graduation. I told him I was disappearing and he wouldn’t hear from us again. I sent him an email on Saturday (what would have been our 7 year anniversary) to tell him that I was sorry that we couldn’t make things work and I hope he finds what he wants in his life. That was the end. The week before all of this, he was in my home, enjoying being our family again. He wanted us so badly. He was singing broken together and he told me it was our song. In the email, I told him that I wish we could have been broken together. I wish so badly that we could have made it work, but we broke it. And I am sorry about that. I really hope he finds what he is looking for in life. Truthfully, I know what he needs is God and I really do hope that he finds Him.
He has texted since then. Trying to put out his net to see if he will catch me, but me and the kids are going to disappear. I haven’t been able to protect them or myself when he is in the picture. He continues to hurt us again and again. Not just me, but the kids too. He doesn’t care about anyone except himself and I can’t keep letting him have control in our lives. So I’m walking away. God your will be done in his life. Your will be done in our lives.
I haven’t given up on the promise. I’m just realizing that often my eyes have been fixed on the promise instead of the One who made His promise. I am giving up control. I am supposed to be walking towards God, not towards His promises. Not towards Chris. Towards and with Christ. God, help me remember. Where there is no way, You will make the way.
He gave me a picture of this large canyon that ripped through the middle of the wilderness, dividing Chris and I on each side. I’ve been throwing out ropes, trying to get Chris to walk across. The Lord and His cross and salvation is on my side. I wanted to save him, but there are no short cuts. There were times when Chris actually tried to cross, but couldn’t make it. There were times when he just cut the rope and quit. This time, I cut the rope. There are no shortcuts. The only way around this canyon is to walk forward. I am walking away from the canyon. I am walking towards Christ. In the distance, I can see that the canyon curves and Chris will need to walk through the wilderness to get to the other side where he can come around the rip in the land to reach God. He has to do this on his own and he will suffer for a long time in the wilderness. I can’t save him and I can’t keep wasting time trying to tell him where to go. I have to let him go away and trust that God is there with him and will guide him. And it will take him a long time. This won’t fix soon.
God help me. Keep my eyes on you. You are my shield and my salvation. My kids shield and salvation. We have to move towards you, no matter what is happening with him and trust that You are with him and have the plan in place.