I’ve been shaken out of my peace for the last 2 days. I had a moment with Chris on Sunday. It began horribly. He wounded me deeply, unintentionally, but regardless he did. The kids and I went back to see him later and I asked to speak to him privately. I asked him if I should just give up. He was frustrated and said no. To not give up fighting for us, but I told him I felt he has given up on us. It was a beautiful conversation.
He was mad at me again. He said again that I was judging him. Somehow, God gave me the words. I am not judging him. I am not tolerating his sin.
There are people and there is sin and the enemy lies to us. He tries to convince us that we and our sin are one in the same. That the sins we commit are what define us. But brothers and sisters, it is not true! There are people. There is sin.
People are like weapons. Okay, so today I sinned and I ended up being used in that moment in the hands of the enemy. It doesn’t mean I am evil. It means I am in the wrong hands. And very easily, I can decide to be used by the Lord instead. In any moment, I could let go of my sin and choose to let God use me instead. I am not my sin.
Somehow, as we were talking, a very deep intimate conversation, I kissed him. That quickly turned into kissing and holding each other. He so badly wanted me, but I said no. We are not married and I am protecting myself. I wish I could say I was protecting him too, but he isn’t guarding himself.
Things got so confusing after that. He asked me to move in with him. I told him I couldn’t because he is still seeing this girl and pursuing the world. He said he would break up with her. He even agreed to go to marriage counseling.
But when the passion wore off, so did both of our resolves. I would love him back. He wants me back too. But we are both afraid of it being more of the same. Thank you God though that he seems to want to change. I have to be grateful for that. He also told me that I am the woman he wants to marry. I am grateful for that moment God, but it also crushed me a little.
Since Sunday, he has been talking to me more. Reaching out to see how I am doing and talking to me about his life. I prayed about it a lot and feel God telling me to be loving towards him.
Luke 10:27 “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind and, Love your neighbor as yourself.”
So I have been trying and finding myself on the grind. I can’t believe it. I’ve been mad and frustrated at myself. On the one hand, I want to shine a light to him, but then the enemy and the fears creep in and put turbulence in my heart. “Well he is still living his sinful life. Isn’t me being kind just tolerating his sin? Isn’t it just me giving him everything he wants? God! How will he ever want to change and pursue you if he has all the benefits of his single life and his wife and family?” I have literally been shaken (like my hands shaking), by this. How? How do you love someone who has wounded you so deeply? How do you give them love and expect them to stop living the way they live? It makes me angry!
I started to think last night that I shouldn’t be being kind cause it’s just more of the same. He ends up getting everything he wants. But God reminded me how selfish that thinking is. Being kind or loving or doing something in order for us to be able to accomplish receiving the promises of God is taking the glory away from Him and he will never let it happen that way. He has plans for me and you both. Regardless of my husbands life and his decisions! Yes, being with this man and loving him is my purpose that God has given me, but loving him, without expecting to get anything out of it. That’s almost too heavy a burden to bear sometimes. I definitely can’t bear it on my own and it’s why we have to want Jesus most, because if we do and if He gives himself to us (you know He always does), then we have everything we want. We are full. And then we can love without expectation of getting anything back from them. And I know with no doubts at all that one day I will receive back from Chris out of his own love for me and of his own free will, but it will never happen by me trying to pour into him in order to get something back from him. God is calling me to love, REGARDLESS. There is that word again!
I’ve been so foolish today. I was praying again and God told me “Sharon do you love me?” And I said “Yes of course I love you.” And he answered me “feed my sheep” and I looked up this verse when Jesus said this to Peter.
When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?” “Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.” Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.” The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my sheep. Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.” Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, “Follow me!” Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, “Lord, who is going to betray you?”) When Peter saw him, he asked, “Lord, what about him?” Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.”
I worry so much about HIS life and so little about mine and Gods purpose for me! Father forgive me! You have called me to follow You and to feed Your sheep. I can not do that when I worry so much about someone else’s life. When I let the enemy steal my joy and rush past God, refusing to let him pour into me. Let Chris’s life be in Gods hands Lord, just as mine is in Gods hands. Your will be done in his life. Your will be done in my life.
Do I want to compare my life to his? Lord, I know that his life will be harder for the choices he makes. If I really compared it on your scales, my eyes would see the truth. Your ways are best. I don’t want to waste any more time wanting from someone who can give me nothing I want. I want from You. I want every drop of love that you can give me and I refuse to be satisfied by that either. One day you will give me back that man, all these things added unto me, but until then, I will rejoice and praise you for what you have given me and continue to come to you every day, looking for you to pour into me the way you want to. I need you to! I need you!
I wanted to say thank you too Lord for giving my good friend Desra who helped me process so much of my confusion and pain and helped me walk into a clear open pasture right behind you. God you give all that we need when we need it and I mean grateful to you for her!