I have a crossroad before me. Although I know where each path leads, still I am looking at the path and desiring the path of least resistance and pain. I’ve been told by the Lord that both paths lead to a blessing, though the harder path leads to greater blessing. If I am being completely transparent, I don’t think I can handle even one more heart ache on this mans behalf. God help me. I know which way your foot is aiming. I want to follow you. I am so weak.
He came to see his kids and get the rest of the divorce paperwork so that he can sign it. He hung out with us for a while in the house and the atmosphere was pleasant, but quickly the conversation turned. He was asking about me. I was asking about him. Every word from his mouth was draining, depressing, and hopeless. He told me about Emily, the latest of his “not girlfriends” who is living in his apartment and cooking for him. I felt Gods great presence with me. I told him that this path he had chosen was foolish and was leading away from God and His plans for his life. Forget me and him for a moment. I see it clearly that he is walking a path that leads to destruction and chaos. Literally he is on the path of death towards hell.
As I asked him what he has doing in attempt to pursue Christ, I saw something that should have shaken me. I felt the presence of the demon on him. It came away from him and sat beside him. As Chris spoke and told me he was praying for the kids, he spoke to the demon. It felt as if he was getting permission to speak. And then it went back into him. It is not a possession, because this man IS a child is God, but it is such a great oppression. Like an extra layer of skin under his skin. It has belittled his true self so low to the point that Chris actually believes the demon is him. He doesn’t think he is capable of change. He is right about that. As Jesus told his disciples, in Mark 9:29 “He replied, ‘This kind can come out only by prayer.'” Only God can break this demon off of him. It was discouraging and depressing and gave me such a sense of hopelessness to be around him, even for just those few minutes. I can’t imagine how depressed and difficult his life is in the world when he is not sitting in a God filled home.
Why am I sharing this heart breaking story? I need you to understand where I am on this crossroad. I need to trust God and I am struggling brothers and sisters.
As much as I can see the demon on the man, I see the man embracing it. Allowing it to be on him. He has accepted it. Like that is who he is. Which is why he is happy to be living with his not girlfriend, have sex, eat her cooking, watch her dog, and pretend that he isn’t cheating. It’s also why it is so hard for me to stand up confidently every day and say “I know God that you will break this off of him!”
Yes, I know it. I know He will. My strong God is certainly strong enough and infinitely stronger then this demon that plagues. But sometimes, I start to believe that because he has embraced it, that it is who he wants to be and who he really is. And God always comes through and sweeps away the lies and reminds me of who God is, who I am, and who Chris is. He always overcomes those thoughts. But sometimes, I just can’t stand looking at the man who fell for the enemy and his lies and made the decision to run away and abadon us.
So now, I am standing at this crossroad. I met a man of God yesterday. No, it is not serious. He is simply a man and we are simply talking, but the Spirit inside him is so attractive. And in this moment, compared to the demon that plagues my husband, I am starting to understand why God told me about the “contingency plan.” That if I got to a place where I was exhausted and I could not continue, that He would have another joy filled marriage for me. But that plan comes without the ministry and without the restoration of the marriage. And right now, it is very tempting. Not evil tempting either, as I said, God promised to bless it if it is what I choose.
So as I am praying through this, I am hearing so many things from God.
“If you decide to go down this path, Sharon, I love you and I will bless you. But if you will stay in the water, in the storm for a little while longer, and NOT veer off to another island, give me back control of this ship, Trust me with All of your heart and Lean Not on your own understanding, I have something better for you.”
I need to Trust God and pray about this.
And this may be followed by months of silence and you may start to doubt. God is at work Just As Much in the silence. Remember that he was in the tomb 3 days in silence. The resurrection is coming. The Lord sees further ahead than we think.
Lord, I am standing at another crossroad. I have to choose between waiting for your salvation of Chris’s soul, for the ministry, and for the restoration of your marriage, or making a detour and settling happily in this island with a new man. God, I know I could be happy here, but I also know this was not your best plan.
If you will trust in the Lord with all your heart and not lean on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him, He will direct your paths. Sharon, you may be choosing the path of harder and greater resistance, but God will bless you with a better plan. The best plan. Lord, I trust you. Give me the courage and strength to take up my cross and persist.
Please pray strength for me brothers and sisters. I want so badly to choose Gods best plan, but emotionally, I am not there. I really want to go to this new man, fall in love, and settle. I need strength. God give me strength.
God, truly this isn’t about what I will “get” out of this life. This is about your divine control of my life. This is who you made me to be. You love me enough to promise blessing, even if I choose not to Trust You! But God, help me to Trust You! I don’t want to wait, because of him. By which I mean I don’t want to wait for him and I also don’t want to wait because of how he is right now. I don’t want to wait for a promise. God, I want to wait because I trust you and even if I did not know the end game, help me wait solely because I love and adore you most. Lord, this is who you made me to be. It is what you have been training and preparing me for.
Mark 10:28 – 31
“Then Peter spoke up, “We have left everything to follow you!”
“Truly I tell you,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—along with persecutions—and in the age to come eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.”