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Day 1 of the rest of my life

Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

This is one of my favorite pics of me and Chris. Please keep praying for both of us.

He called the night before final hearing to discuss numbers. The judge had wanted to order $1000/month child support and Chris was sure he was going to get screwed. He was complaining about the system and how it’s so screwed up and I was praying and I really feel God was speaking to me and to him through me. I told him he can complain to me now and that is fine, but he can not wave the victim flag in court tomorrow or he will get screwed. We discussed and came up with $500/month which we thought the judge would go for. About 2 hours after we got off the phone, I saw a real miracle. He texted me and said “you are right. It’s not your fault. I’m just mad about this situation that I put myself in.” I was just shocked. This man is deeply narcissistic so for him to admit that he brought these consequences on himself is nothing short of a miracle.

So we went to court for the final hearing yesterday. We walked in together and were late. The judge opened the case for us and asked me what we had come up with for support. I told him we discussed $500/month as being doable for his budget and I would like to keep his budget in mind, because the kids and I have been doing fine financially and it is much more important that he can see his kids than that we get a check every month. I guess the judge appreciated that answer. I think Chris appreciated it too, because as we were going through the hearing, there was some point when he mentioned a life support policy that I did not know about. He told the judge he wanted to keep me as the beneficiary on it. We both waved spousal support. I know it was God with all of us in the court room, because it seemed fair and agreeable to everyone in the end.

When the judge asked if the marriage was irretrievably broken, I started crying and said yes and Chris said yes. He asked and this is not something that can be repaired with counseling and I said yes, but Chris choked. He said “I mean…I guess not at this point. Yeah, not right now. Yes” It was encouraging to me to see his hesitancy.

When we walked out, Chris was asking a lot of questions to me. Why am I keeping my last name? What is Steve’s last name (who has only just been a friend and who I have stopped talking to, but he doesn’t know that). He was telling me about Emily (his girlfriend). I told him I don’t want to talk about Steve or Emily and that I am not celebrating this day. He said he isn’t either, but he is glad it’s over. “Not our marriage…I just mean I am glad that court is finished.”

We crossed the street together and I couldn’t stop crying. I put my arm in his arm and he pulled me close and said “I know”. When we got to my car, I turned and hugged him and he hugged me back and patted my back. Then I left.

We agreed to meet so he could see the kids and we took them out to a bunch of places. We had fun and I made a decision to be joyful instead of sad and I was. We had a legitimately fun time.

When it was time for him to go, he got the kids in the car and came specifically back to me to hug me. It was a really sweet lingering hug and he said “fresh start right?” And I said “yeah”.

I guess it was good. I am grateful, because God was with me and gave me strength and the right words and actions. I am grateful, because I saw real remorse and a sense of loss from him. I am grateful, because he can see to a degree that these are consequences for his actions. That I am not his enemy. That I will do what I said I will do and not be evil or malicious towards him. That he is going to try to do the same.

And I am grateful to God, because He has given me a promise for the future and even though I have no idea how he is going to restore our family and our marriage, I trust Him and I know he will do what he has promised to do. He can and he wants to. I know that he will.

This is a season of heartbreak, but though the sorrow may last for the night, the joy comes with the morning. I don’t know what God is planning, but I know it is good. And I am grateful to see that somewhere in my ex husband, there is still a soft heart for his ex wife and his family.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

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