God has been doing some crazy amazing things recently. I can’t understand it all and I don’t have to. I am praying for understanding, but much of this is God asking me to trust him.
I felt the Lord stirring my heart and I texted him a few nights ago. “I give up.” An hour later he texted me back “what?” and at 4am, God was waking me up to pray and I answered my husbands text.
“You are a sex addict. We broke up almost 8 months ago and in that time I thought somehow that you cared and would have tried to change something. That you would have reached out to God or read every mans battle or read your bible. I have changed a lot in these last 8 months. I know I’m not worthless and in fact I’m really valuable. If we started over now it would be more of the same though because even 8 months of being apart isn’t motivation enough for you to even try to fix your issues. I wasn’t the only one with issues. Divorce didn’t motivate you. I can’t motivate you. I really had hoped you cared enough to at least try, but 8 months and no change. I can’t believe even the divorce wasn’t enough to make you try. Please don’t come at me aggressive either and say I don’t know how much you have changed, because I SEE no change. You wanted to be the man in our house. Why didn’t you fight for us? I love you, but I’m not going to fight for us anymore because it’s pretty clear you want me but you don’t love me. So I give up. And I already suspect you are going to tell me that is fine and that you give up too, but don’t pretend you give up because I give up. You gave up 8 months ago and never looked back and gave me false hope that you would change. I don’t see it and I can’t keep waiting all my life for you to not try.”
His answer was he understands my feelings but I am not being fair. That this is what he has felt for years. I am judging him. He doesn’t want to go through that again. That he loves sex, but he can control himself. That my words are sharp coming from someone who “walks with God.” That he knows I do but a snake follows me. And I told him it was true. I am human and not God. The snake that follows is my sin nature and I need Gods grace just as much as he does. To not credit what he sees as judgmental to God, because it isn’t how God sees him. That I know I need God and he needs God too. Then he told me something that made me really think.
”Oh GOD is most definitely working on me. I may not be on your tier but he’s doing work. You don’t see it because it’s not intended for you. You are looking for me to bypass all the fundamentals of getting to know GOD and to jump straight in to your tier in an instant. It doesn’t work that way. You try to do too much that is out of your control which makes you come off as what many people think of Christians and that’s judgmental and arrogant. I just need the love, patience and support and I’ll be just fine.”
It reminded me of something God has been speaking to me for a while. That HE is working in the secret places.
Matthew 6:5-7 “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.”
And the picture God gave me was me standing at the front line and looking out at the giants before me. But hearing cries of battle from behind the front line and recognizing that God is already at battle on the inside. That I need to give up fear and be willing to fight and see the work He is doing and be joyful because of it.
Isaiah45:3 “I will go before you and will level the mountains, I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.” Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Deuteronomy 31:6 “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
I felt Him calling me to stand up and fight, because He is already fighting. And the more this has processed in my mind, the more I am remembering the vision He gave me months ago. That Chris was drowning in the sea of sin with a shackle on his ankle that he had put on himself. And that he put his hand out of the water towards Christ and Christ took his hand and destroyed the chain and dragged Chris out of the water. And only AFTER He had rescued him from his sin and chains, then he breathed his Spirit into Chris and filled him with life. And I believe God is doing this now. He is beginning to break the chain off and lift this man out of his sin. Chris is still dead inside and without the Spirit, but he has decided to take the first step and try to submit to Christ.
So God, what am I supposed to do with this? What was the last thing he told me to do?
Exodus 14:14 “The Lord will fight for you; You need only be still.”
2 Chronicles 20:17 ”You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them, and the LORD will be with you.”
So I am standing again. Chris and I talked after this and I told him I need to see a counselor. That I am struggling with trust and intimacy problems and that I can’t possibly continue like this if God plans to do anything with us. And he said he wanted to come. And yeah, I was shocked. Before, I had to beg him again and again and again to show up to counseling and eventually we just stopped going, because I couldn’t keep up begging him. But this time, he said he wants to go. In fact, I asked him again the next day and the next and both days he said yes. I set up a consultation for Monday and he said yes. He is coming definitely. I don’t have to beg or force him. He wants it. He wants it! If that is not God fighting my battles!!!
He came to see us that same day. We held each other. He told me I was his wife. That I belong to him. And I told him he is my husband and that he is mine too. I was crying and I told him he can’t give himself to anyone else if he is mine. He has to just be mine and no one else’s. He was so sorry. He was so loving. He promised not to be anyone else’s again.
And I faltered again. We kissed and we were intimate. It was beautiful and I loved it, but I know God’s plans were not for it. He took us apart to put us together again the right way and sex is how we started it out wrong back then. And while I want to sit here beating myself up, I’m not telling you this to have a pity party. I’m telling you this, because sometimes we have moments of flesh and sin weakness. And then we have to get back up and say “God, I messed up! God I need grace! Forgive me and put me back on track!” He always does. I messed up in a moment, but I know God forgave me already. And I know His blessings are coming and I can not stop His plans for me. He loves me that much!
God, I am scared. You’ve called me to the battle line, but I know it is because you want me to have faith. I know You will fight this battle and all I have to do is be still. I am afraid. I don’t want to run ahead of you or veer from your path. Lord, your plans are the best. You have the best intentions for us and I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. This time Lord, I am giving you control. Forgive me for the things that I did wrong. Thank you for your grace, because you know I am human and my flesh is weak. Thank you for helping me see my missteps and helping me get back on your path following one step at a time after you. Lord, I don’t know what you are doing, but it is something amazing! Something truly miraculous!
The kids and I saw Chris again last night. I tried to kiss him and he asked me not to. “I want to respect your feelings about not having sex before marriage and I don’t want to step into a place of temptation for that.” I love him. I don’t know what else I can say about that! I love him, because wow! He is changing! He DOES see my value and God is teaching him his value! And God, I love you most because you showed me who I am and now you are showing him too and look! God look! I’m starting to see the man of God inside this sinful man! I saw a glimpse of him yesterday and Lord I love him! Thank you for giving me your hope.
Romans 12:12 “Be Joyful in Hope, Patient in Affliction, Faithful in Prayer.”