He came into the light. It was only for a brief moment, but I saw it!
He came to visit us on Naomi’s birthday and came to her birthday party. It was the first time in a long time that my family has been able to see him. They were all friendly as they always have been. It’s hard for a man who blames my family to continue to believe that lie when they are standing in front of him, showing actions different to his beliefs. But I get it. He has to believe that lies or he has to face the guilt, shame, and pride. He isn’t ready for that yet.
He came back to the house afterwards and it was such a nice visit. He came into the theatre room and played video games with my son and I. Naomi was taking a nap, but when she woke up, she needed to sit with Daddy. It was so awesome getting to spend time together like that as a family.
I had warned him ahead of time that I was leading my Bible Study tonight, so he could stay with the kids if he wanted to, but at 6, I would be downstairs leading my group. He said no, that he would be long gone before then.
My mind wasn’t on him. I was happy he was here with our family, but I was thinking about my Bible Study. I was getting ready for that. At one point, I was sitting in the room with my ex husband and my son and I started praying and thanking God for this time that we get to spend all together and I felt God’s presence so heavily with me.
I am reminded of this vision God had given me months ago. It was that Chris would call to me, while he was in the darkness. I would see and hear him, because I am standing in God’s light and I would walk out to meet Chris, but because I walked away from God to meet him, I was walking into the darkness and I couldn’t hear God’s voice anymore. I used to always be puzzled, especially last year, when I would be spending time with Chris and I couldn’t hear the Lords voice anymore. It’s because I wasn’t standing in God’s will when I was doing those things. I made the plans, then asked God to bless them. Now, I ask God what the plan is and participate in what He is doing. I am standing my ground in the light.
Chris accidentally wandered into the light on 1/20/19. He accidentally stepped into the light, into God’s presence in our home. He saw our family photos hanging on the walls. He was part of those photos. He sat down in the chair he was so used to sitting in before. He played games and laughed with the same old people. We made jokes that we used to make. We enjoyed each others company immensely. And I gave him a real hug when he left. Not a side hug. Not a front hug into his shoulder. No, I gave him a full, wrapping my arms around his neck, smiling ear to ear, so close I could have kissed him hug. I don’t know if it was the right thing to do. Honestly, I don’t know, but I’m being honest with ya’ll. It’s what I did and I believe God uses everything.
When I hugged him, Chris promised to come down the next day. It was Naomi’s actual birthday and he wanted to take his little girl to celebrate again. Knowing him, I wasn’t expecting it to actually happen. I was hopeful though. But just as he was saying that, my Bible Study girls starting pulling into the driveway. “Who is this pulling up here?” He asked. I laughed and said it was either my room mate or my Bible Study ladies and I could see his face go white. He ran. And I mean, not like a polite, discreet, “oh thanks for the good time, gotta go bye” run. No, he didn’t say another word. He took off through the door and sped full speed out of the driveway and down the street. One of my girls came in and said “who the heck was that tearing out of here like a bat out of hell?” and I just had to laugh. My other friend knew “It was Chris, wasn’t it?” and I smiled and laughed and nodded. We prayed for him that night. It was amazing. It was a great night.
Which made the next day terribly difficult. Chris texted to say he wouldn’t be able to come down to visit us, because it was the last day he has to finish getting things done before he leaves. Can I bring the kids up to him instead? I told him no, that I was too busy with work that day and I asked what he meant by leave and then realized he must be talking about his deployment. He said no, he is flying out to Europe. Obviously to see his most recent girlfriend and clearly so that he can spend his birthday with her. My heart was devastated again and I answered his text “Why do you have to say things like that to me?”
Thank you Jesus that I was on the phone with my friend when all of this was happening, because she was able to counsel me through it in that very moment. She told me not to let him know my true feelings, but to take those real feelings to God. In the mean time, my ex husband responded saying that “The information I had was incorrect”, meaning that if I thought he and Maria were finished, I was wrong. He also said that he has not kept any secrets from me or lied to me at all. I will say it again. Thank you Jesus for my friend being on the phone. She coached me and I was able to answer him. “You told me you couldn’t afford the child support.” I wanted to cry and tell him what a horrible mean person he was and that why is he flaunting his infidelities in my face and trying to push me away and all of this. But by talking about the child support instead, he suddenly believed that my care was not for him, but rather for my financial stability.
He was taken aback. I know he was hoping I would have cared more, but in the same moment, he was trying very hard to push me away. I get it. He can’t face the shame and the guilt and the pride. He can’t face the truth or reconcile the lies he believes (or is trying desperately to believe) with the actions he is seeing from me. If he doesn’t have these lies as truth, then he comes out looking like some kind of monster and he can’t face that part of himself. His response was to try to start a fight with me about how much money he back owes on child support. The conversation fell flat.
It stung me for about 13 seconds. Then I got over it. Then I thought about it a little more that evening for maybe 14 minutes. Then I got over it again. Then I took myself out to see a movie and God spoke to me even in that! All I can do is laugh about it now and praise God. God has finally allowed me to put this all in his hands.
Literally, that night I saw the rope that was holding me back to the past. It was only just a final little silk string, but I took the scissors and I cut it. As soon as I did, I saw the golden rope of hope before me spread out across the sky and it was like a beautiful tapestry woven out before me. The future is so beautiful and I am not holding onto the past anymore.
A few nights later, I asked God to give me His hands and I felt him put them out for me. Into his hands, I put my past, present, and future. I also put my desires for my husband in His hands and asked him to please take them away from me. He took them and told me “I will give this back to you when the time is right.”
Brothers and sisters, I am free! I am free! I do still love Chris. God has put this regardless love in my heart that no matter what, will not fade. I want him to be happy and filled with the Spirit. I was good for him. I want the Lord for him. But it is not consuming me anymore. It’s not consuming my heart and my desires anymore. I almost didn’t even write this blog, because I feel so completely content right now, that it seemed there wasn’t a point. I am writing it, because I feel God has called me to write it, for the sake of someone who needs it.
I also heard God tell me a few days later that “The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven”. He kept repeating it to me again and again and then I read it that morning in my Bible Study. Romans 1:18-19 “The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of people who suppress the truth by their wickedness, since what may be known is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them.”
God let Chris wander into the light. He spent time in it. He lingered. He hung out in God’s presence and he enjoyed himself. The truth was made plain to him. God made it plain to him. But now he is choosing to suppress the truth with his wickedness. Instead of embracing the truth, he ran back into his sin. He pushed me away as hard as he could and flew to Europe to continue another affair. It’s so reminiscent of how the divorce began. But this is the beginning of the end. I felt God telling me yesterday that it has begun. It is right now. God’s wrath is upon this man. This is the beginning of the end. Thank you Jesus. Your son is going to return home. Amen!