I haven’t written in a while, but I need to update yall. Truthfully, I don’t even know what to say, except that God is incredibly strong and He is at work. I do see it!
Saturday was horrible and amazing all rolled into one. Chris was going to see the kids for the first time this whole summer. Since May 20. I was scared and worried about the kids. He wanted to take them to the amusement park in Denver and was going to drive down to pick them up (an hour between he and I) and take them all the way back to go, then bring them home afterwards. I really thought it was a ploy. Either he was going to come to the house and hang out for 6 hours or he was going to take them back up so they could meet his girlfriend. Either way was scary, because God has told me to “Remain in hiding”. I’m not supposed to see Chris at all right now.
I had a dream Friday night. In the dream, I drove up with my sister, a friend from high school, and two other friends that I couldn’t see their faces but I know they were friends. We all went into his apartment which overwhelmed him, because he wasn’t expecting all those people. He asked me to come out alone so he could show me something and I went. He started showing me the apartment building and we were walking through some café place when a woman called out to him and he said oh and went and gave her a hug. Another woman came behind him and hugged him and he hugged her back too. I mouthed across the room to him “is that Emily?” And he said yes and I ran. He called when I was on the elevator and said where am I? He and Emily are coming to see the kids. I said no absolutely not and ran to his room and loaded my kids and all the friends into the car to run away. While I was in the apartment though, I felt God telling me to let this go and let her meet them. I woke up from the dream.
I went to my prayer room and started praying. I asked God “she is going to have to meet them isn’t she?” and I got a verse in Proverbs 23:10 – 11, titled “Saying 11”
Do not move an ancient boundary stone
or encroach on the fields of the fatherless,
for their Defender is strong;
he will take up their case against you.
So I remembered that the boundary we set for our children was that we would not go out with a person of the opposite sex with our kids unless it was in a group setting. Not that my kids won’t meet her, but that it would be only on these terms. And I realized that I have been trying to protect my kids by moving the boundary stones out further to keep them protected better and that God was asking me to give this up and let God protect them. So I said okay. I will give up control and lay my kids on the alter and know that God is protecting them. I was scared, but I trust God and know he will protect them. Really, that is one of the hardest sacrifices God has asked me to make yet, and one of the quickest decisions of “yes!” that I have ever answered. He is building my trust in Him!
Christian got up then and I asked him does he want to go see his dad still today. He said he wants to go to the amusement park, but can they go next Saturday instead and I was so relieved. I felt like that was immediate confirmation of Gods protection.
I texted Chris to tell him he wants to go next weekend, not this weekend. Chris said okay he still wants to see the kids and he is coming down and will take them jumping at sky zone. I said okay to text when he is on the way. He texted then and said he knows I will say no, but he is going to ask anyways. He thinks I should come. I didn’t answer. I knew I wasn’t supposed to see him, so when he said he was close, I told him to get them from my parents house. He responded okay, but that I will get my child support money when he sees me. I told him no to just leave it with my parents and thank you for that. It helps me a lot. He was angry and said why would I do this to him? He doesn’t want to associate with my family and I am being childish. That I should be adult enough to make my own decisions. I so desperately wanted to tell him that this is my decision and I don’t want to see him, but God has been clear with me that I need to not even let Chris on at all to where I am emotionally or tell him anything of what is happening in my life, so I didn’t. I answered would he prefer my sister bring them to him and he answered no he wants me to meet him.
Then he said he was at my parents and where was I? My dad called and said Chris came to the door and he invited him in, but Chris said no he would wait in his car. Then he took off. I texted and told Chris I was on the way and Chris said to have whoever meet him at the grocery store down the street. He was mad.
I got them to my dad and my dad took them to meet Chris. Amazingly, Chris gave the money to my dad. My dad said he doesn’t hold anything against him and the family cares about him. He’s these kids dad and he should see them. Chris told him this is awkward.
I left my parents. I was going to see a movie, but my aunt called then and said my uncle just passed. I was a crying wreck. I can’t believe it still. I went back to my moms and my sister came over and we all cried together. When Chris arrived to bring them back, I asked my family to deal with him and they got the kids all together and brought them back in. My sister saved me cause I almost answered the door and she swooped in last minute to get it. He told her he would be back Monday. Never discussed that with me, but I didn’t even worry about it, because he lies and he was lying.
The whole day was a ploy for him to try to get what he wants. Started by being kind to manipulate, then angry, then sad, then cutting trying to cut down who I am, then kind again, then trying to plant fear. All of them were tactics and manipulations. None of them worked. I am proud of myself for being strong. I am grateful to God that He gave me the strength and protected me and the kids. And I am seeing God plague him as he said he would. Thank you God, because I know this is all part of God working.
I’ve seen so many more miracles throughout the week since Saturday. I was able to give some really hopeful words to my Aunt who lost her husband suddenly. God reconciled the relationship between me and my ex-sister in law which honestly I did not think was possible! My friends were blessed by encouraging words the Lord gave to me, my sister was strengthened by words the Lord gave me, tonight another friend who lives far from me was encouraged and strengthened. I can’t believe how much God has been doing. And none of it honestly seems to be with Chris, but that is okay. I know he is still drowning in his sin, but my life is not about him. God IS going to do what He promised to do. He WILL save Chris and restore our marriage someday, but right now, I have absolutely no doubts that He is creating the ministry out of me. Right now. In this moment.
Pray for me please. I am leading DivorceCare at my church this semester, starting September 4. I am very excited, but so sad for those who will be joining the class. Divorce is horrible. I can’t imagine something worse and I am still in the middle of this battle. God uses those of us though with the weapons forged through the trials of life, to lift up others going through the same fire. I know He was the one who orchestrated me being a leader in this class and because of that, He will use this for His glory. He is so good!