The last few days have been painful.
God’s been releasing a lot in my life and after having to give up control and the hope of restoration, now I feel him taking me this new direction. Giving up the hope of my ex husband. I realized suddenly last night that “marriage restoration” that God promised to me might not apply to my ex. He might have been promising restoration for my marriage as in marriage and family with a new husband, a man after Gods heart. Or He could have been promising something completely outside of my understanding. My interpretation of His promises are frail and limited to my understanding. I can’t possibly even pretend to understand the mind of God. I am just certain that these last few days, God has asked me to release the hope for my ex husband’s restoration to our family.
Steven Furtick addressed this in one of his sermons, when he said that often the manifestation of God’s promise in our lives does not look like how we imagined or interpreted it to be. What for Joseph was the stars and the sun and moon bowing down to him – this glorious thing – turned out to be a desperate and difficult situation that drove his family into his presence begging for scraps.
I am certain that God promised to make a ministry out of me. I am seeing this happen right now. I know that God promised salvation for my ex husband, which is an encouraging, but daunting thought. How can God possibly do that? It’s a huge task. But I know that God is strong enough and He keeps His promises.
All of that being said, yes God promised me a ministry. He promised my ex husband salvation. He promised me marriage restoration. But He didn’t promise me that A plus B equals C. My pursuit of the Lord and the salvation of my ex husband doesn’t mean that my ex will become my husband again. I needed to finally come to this realization. My ex is engaged. If the circumstances before me remain as they are, he will marry this woman. Now he may be saved before or after that and I know God is faithful to do what He said He would do, but it doesn’t mean that my ex will then leave his fiancee or divorce his new wife and come back to me and my kids. I can’t sit here and make up the plan and dictate to God how to do it. He’s in control of all of this.
So today, I am letting go of the hope for this man. The hope I will hold for him is that the Lord gets hold of his heart. I will continue to pray for his salvation. But as for me and my house, we serve the Lord. This man does not and I can’t keep holding hope that my interpretation of marriage restoration is Gods true word. I don’t know what marriage restoration looks like for me and I am putting this back in Gods hands.
In pursuit of the Lord, not a man.
This morning as I was walking out the door, I remembered something my dad told me last night. “God doesn’t have leftovers for you.” Another of my friends had just made that point to me. “I know you feel like you’re getting the crumbs, but God has so much more for you.” And God suddenly put the thought in my head. “My plan for you is not a man who is married or engaged.” I felt foolish suddenly even having these hopes in my heart. That doesn’t mean that God doesn’t have a husband for me, but if the man He has for me is married or engaged, then now is not the right time. Or this is not the right man. And my sister had some very wise words today which I think just sums it all up. “I don’t think God wants you to fixate on your future. He’s working on that right now.”
Lord, I know you have a man planned for me and my kids. I know he is a man who loves you. I give up on Chris. I gave him time and space. I submitted him to You and I know you love him. I just can’t keep fighting for him. He wants the world. He wants his sin. He spits in Your face. God, I can’t keep watching this. I am fully turning my back on him. He is dead to me. He is dead. Which is where you said you would bring him to transform him. So, it is up to you. If you choose to transform, renew, revive him. If you choose to have a breakthrough, so be it. If you choose restoration, You are my God and I will follow you, but right now you’ve told me to be still. You’ve told me to rest. I am not looking to him for hope anymore. I need you. God, thank you for giving me all I need to step into my promised land. I am walking in, past these giants, and taking the land. I am finished looking at this man and the enemy and seeing what I can’t do. You have marriage for me. You have a dad for my kids. I’m walking into that. Amen