My husband came down for church today. I didn’t ask him to do it or tell him at all about the fact that we were going (we go twice a week, so he could fairly assume). We didn’t sit together at the service, but met for lunch afterwards. We all (he, I, and the two kids) went back to my house afterwards and he played with the kids in the basement while I did some housework upstairs. After a while, he asked me to work on some of the divorce paperwork with him, so we sat down and did that. Halfway through, he asked me if we could stop and do the rest on another day. He said he “needs an excuse to see me again soon.” I smiled and patted his arm. I started to head upstairs to do some more work, thinking he was going to play with our son. The baby was taking a nap at that point. Instead, he stood on the stairs with me and talked to me about how sad and depressed he is. That he is happy about this trial though, because he keeps telling all the guys at work about how they shouldn’t be tempted to fall into what he fell into. That sexual sin is so destructive and he’s been a witness and been able to share his testimony with so many people.
I was overwhelmed. I took his hand and we went upstairs to my room and shut the door. Our son was busy with his Ipad and let us have our reunion. It was amazing. I cried so much. He said it was like a dream. Just being able to finally open our hearts in a vulnerable moment to each other. It was great.
Followed by confusing. I felt guilty. I felt like I had been hearing for several days that I need to not have sex with him. I had a dream of this moment several days ago and have been wanting it deeply in my heart since. Not for the sex sake, but for the desire for a moment of connection with the man I love. It was truly a dream come true. But did I betray my conviction? I’ve been praying that this doesn’t stand in Gods way. I pray this wasn’t against Gods plans for us. I know that he is still my husband legally. I didn’t commit adultery. I didn’t sin. He is still my husband. But I felt a conviction not to sleep with him and I am questioning myself now.
And then I am questioning myself for questioning myself. Am I questioning, because I am trying to achieve something? Am I operating in that “so that” mentality, by feeling guilt over this moment? Am I scared of what might happen, because of it? Am I trying to accomplish something again?
I wrote this prayer on the night that I decided to divorce my husband. “Lord, help me. Help me to sit down and Be still and trust you fully. I am afraid Lord. I want to know the plan. Lord, where are we going?! But Lord, I know that you have control. Your hands are the best hands I could be in. I don’t know your plan. I don’t know where we are going. But I know that it is good! Jeremiah 29:11 ‘I know the plans I have for you’, declares the Lord. ‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’ You have control God. Help me to give up my idol. I love him, but I don’t want to worship him anymore. Release me. My covenant of marriage is broken. Take this cup from me. But Lord, fill me with hope in you. I won’t make plans for my future. I won’t seek a new husband, but if it is your will, bring me one. Or if it is your will, restore your son and bring him back into your fold and ONLY WHEN HE IS FOLLOWING YOU, then build a new covenant marriage. But Lord, today release me from the covenant marriage. This unequal yoking. Deal with your son as you wish. But Lord, remove him from me. You deal with him, but as for me and my house, Lord we will serve you. Lord, you are my rock and king. I am your wife. I covenant marriage myself to you. I have deiced to marry Jesus. I love you Lord.”
I just need to take this one day at a time and trust the Lord. Lord, I don’t control the way the wind blows. Your spirit does. I trust you. If you are blowing my ship this way or that way, if you move in the storm or roll it away. Whatever you do and whatever you don’t do, I trust you. I don’t know if what happened today was part of your will or not, but I trust you Lord and I know that you will use it for your good. I can’t make decisions for tomorrow based on today. I just want to give this all up to you. Please guide me Lord.
I do know that God told me a few things about all of this. The first was a picture of me standing on a rock, looking out over the water and seeing my husband in the storm drowning. Although he would come floating close and put his arm, God was asking me to step out of the way and let Him give His hand to Chris. This is when the divorce happened. Chris was angry and hated me for a long time. He hated me, because he expected me to put my hand out like I had for all these years, but I didn’t. I stayed out of the way.
The next picture was God sitting over me with his wings covering me on one side and covering Chris on the other. I am holding Gods hand under his wing on the one side and God tells me “You are good and well loved” and Chris sits, not unwelcoming to God, but not holding God yet and God says “It is covered”. He has promised to do something miraculous and instantaneous in Chris’s heart that is going to bring me and him both to tears and put Chris on his knees. This hasn’t happened yet. The verse with this is Ephesians 1:7 “He is so rich in kindness and grace that He purchased our freedom with the blood of His Son and forgave our sins.”
The next picture was God putting his arm out to Chris in the storm and Chris finally taking it. John 8:36 says “If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” It is a promise for Chris that God will rescue him from the storm. The next picture was similar, but more specific. Chris is actually chained by a chain that is attached to the bottom of the ocean. The storm was strong and tossed him around and in an attempt to get some ground under his feet, he chained this shackle to his own ankle. The shackle is now pulling him down and he is drowning. The word says “There is power in the name of Jesus to break every chain.” It is a picture of Christ walking on the water to Chris, taking him by the hand and breaking the chains off of him. This hasn’t happened yet either, but God is putting out His hand to Chris.
Luke 12:22-34 says “Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore, I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or about your body, what you will wear. For life I more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothes you – you of little faith. And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom and these things will be given to you as well. Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the Kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”
After this, the next picture was God putting Chris on the Rock. It says “You will set him, in your good timing, on his OWN rock, not on mine.” God doesn’t plan on setting us up together on God’s Rock. I am already standing on the Lord and Chris has to have his OWN relationship with the Lord, apart from me. God, you are working on all of this. I trust you Lord.
The last picture is Chris and I both under Christ’s wings and sitting in the palms of His hands. He is holding His hands together so that we can sit face to face and hold each other. It says “In your timing. I turst in you Lord. Your will be done. And the two will be reunited and become one with each other and the Lord. A chord of three to never be broken.”
And I need some advice. My husband has asked me and the kids to come up and have Thanksgiving with him. He is otherwise going to be completely alone. I have been okay with that idea up to this point. After today, the desire is so strong to go up. I don’t want to stand in the way anymore though. I need God to still be with him and do the work that needs to get done. The man is not there yet. His knees haven’t hit the floor yet. Can you please be praying for me about this? Should we go spend Thanksgiving with him? Should we continue on our original plans and spend it with my parents and sister and brother and their families? I don’t want to be in God’s way here. That’s the main thing for me. And am I making this decision “so that” I can accomplish restoration, or because I love and trust the Lord? I will be praying and I need some encouragement and wisdom if you have any for me. Thank you brothers and sisters.