My steady prayers went up again last night. “God, trade his heart of stone for a heart of flesh. Fill him with your Spirit.” As I was praying this, I remembered a conversation he and I had had two days ago. It was a reprise of our April 19th conversation in cliff notes form. Bullet point list – He is happy with his current life and fiancee. He doesn’t know what God has planned, but isn’t looking to start something new. I told him that I still love him and he was glad to know that. Again, his words didn’t line up with his actions. What started as a cold, distant conversation ended with us smiling and laughing and making plans to chat on Saturday again. And as I was remembering this conversation, I started to pray “God, change his heart. Let his desires be your desires.” The thought in the back of my heart is that God desires for me and him to be together, so God would change his desires to be that.
Suddenly I felt conviction. I was manipulating God’s word. I should be praying this for myself, not just for him. So my next prayer was “God, change MY heart. Let MY desires be your desires. Amen”
God broke through my heart yesterday! I started seeing how I have been straining my eyes in this “blindness” trying to see my own way. Yes, I’ve been holding God’s hands, but my eyes have gone crossed begging for a glimpse of the next step in front of me. So I began to pray as my desires began to suddenly change. “Take away my thoughts…I give up control! I give up! Whoever or whatever you want to bless me with, THANK YOU LORD! You are so good! Let my desires be your desires. Be You! No more analyzing. No more thoughts, worry, or understanding. You are God. You have control. You have a plan. It’s a good plan! I don’t want to know it. God, I don’t want to know! You will make your way plain and guide my steps along it. Thank you! You are so good!”
I give up!
I hadn’t realized how I had made this thing, this desire for restoration, into an idol. I’ve been seeing the signs and wanting to know the next step. Then I need a new sign. Another confirmation. Give me another sign. I need to know more. I need to see. I don’t know what is happening and I need to have understanding. Exodus 32:1 “When the people saw that Moses was so long in coming down from the mountain, they gathered around Aaron and said, ‘Come, make us gods who will go before us. As for this fellow Moses who brought us up out of Egypt, we don’t know what has happened to him.'”
Candice Smithyman explains it like this. “When we build idols, we build them out of lack. No one builds an idol when they feel they are abundant and without need.”
My desire for understanding has led me to place place of distrust. I do believe God has given me this desire for a godly husband and the desire for the salvation of Chris and the restoration of our marriage. But I have made those desires god instead of God. A picture He revealed to me was he showed me the throne of my heart and I was sitting on it, waiting for God. He came in and asked to take His seat on the throne and in the best bratty kid voice I could muster, I shouted “Hold on just a minute God! You’re not allowed to sit down yet! You told me you were gonna make me a godly husband and you haven’t done that yet, so until you’re ready to give me that, you’re not getting this seat back!” Am I really going to hold this throne hostage? This is God’s place. Am I really going to stand between him and the throne of my heart and tell him He better get back in the kitchen and get what I ordered or else? He’s God! I can’t hold his throne hostage!
It was reminiscent of my 3 year old daughter yesterday who informed me that “You’re not the boss of me!” I laughed. “Um…actually I am.” But this is the truth. I know God told me He is going to do something. It doesn’t mean I have the right to misbehave until He does or demand or tell him I won’t obey him until He does it. It especially doesn’t mean that I have the right to punish him for what I deem is taking too long or is Him forgetting about me. No. He will do it! He is working on it right now! It’s in the oven cooking. But me being willful, disrespectful, and difficult with the Lord isn’t going to make it cook faster. All that does is prove to Him that I am not ready for it yet.
I am releasing Chris to God and also the restoration of our marriage. It isn’t resigning. It is giving God the freedom to do what only He can.
I realize that I’ve been trying to manipulate Him unintentionally. I have obeyed, but haven’t fully committed to His will. Even if he doesn’t come through in the way I hope. Even if He doesn’t restore my marriage, but instead chooses to bless me with a different man who loves Him. Even if he doesn’t give me a new man, but chooses to leave me single and in love with the Lord. Even if he doesn’t bless me at all. Even if he doesn’t… You can see why I don’t want to go down that path. But it’s the place I have to go to submit. Yes Lord, even if you don’t save my husband and restore our marriage. Even if you don’t give me the desires of my heart. Even if you don’t give me anything at all. I know your character. Your character wants to see me blessed and not cursed. Your character says I can trust you. You character says Your words are true. Your character says that Even if is always your best for my life. I can trust that. I can dive deep into that river and not see my expectations met, but see the best You have for me come to life, because Your plans are best. I don’t want my desires anymore. Make my desires yours.
1 Corinthians 2:2 MSG “I deliberately kept it plain and simple: first Jesus and who he is; then Jesus and what he did—Jesus crucified.”
1 Corinthians 2:2 NIV “For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified.”
Make my desires your desires. I give up control. Just give me Jesus.