If you haven't heard Graves into Gardens yet, you need to check it out here. Amazing song!
Recently, the first few lines have been singing to my soul.
"I searched the world, but it couldn't fill me. Men's empty praise and treasures that fade were never enough. Then you came along and put me back together. Every desire is now satisfied here in your love. There's nothing better then you!"
The struggle is so real. My sister reminded me last night in our Bible Study that the thing Sharon has always wanted since she was a little girl was "to have a husband and be a good wife." Oh, how those words sting even as I type them! Because, it is true, but it's supposed to be hidden deep down. It's not something I want to be transparent about.
I am SO satisfied in my singleness to be honest. Totally, fully, mostly, almost always, or sometimes. Oh my fickle heart! God has provided over and over and over in abundance to me. I celebrate him daily, from praise for my home and my children, down to thanking him for running water and clean clothes. I have so much to be grateful for!
Recently, my ex-husband has been in my dreams. I suspect that God is doing some work in his life right now, which is causing the enemy to shake in his boots. I pray that is the truth. But recently, I've had to submit this to God again. Lord, yes, even if you never bless me with a husband, I am yours! I am your bride, now and forever!
One of the wisest things that lost man ever said to me was after one of his many affairs. I was pouring out my pain to him and shouted "why do you keep doing this to me?" and his reply left me speechless. It still does. "This is not about you, it's about me." I was so shocked. How could this NOT be about me? He was cheating ON ME! Totally about me! But as the years have ticked on, I've realized he was right. His disrespect of his own body stemmed from his lack of love for himself, which means he did not see himself the way that God created him to be. He saw himself as worthless, when God says he is valuable. He truly hated himself, while God was loving and loving and loving him. But he and God are the active players in that. His relationship with God. God's relationship with him. I might have been hurt by it, but that was a side effect. The truth is that my ex-husband needed and needs the Lord desperately. My prayer continues to be "God, save him. Break him, save him, restore him. Rid him of the enemy and his lies. God, Your will be done!"
I really am stepping up into this already learned, but relearning lesson that I don't need, to be happy. I don't need. To be happy. I don't need. I have no need. I lack nothing. The Lord is my Shepherd, so I lack nothing. Delight myself in the Lord. Delight in the Lord and He will give me the desires of my heart. The desires of my heart. The desires. And then I have to work backwards. My desires must be submitted to the Lord, who I delight in. When I delight in the Lord, I recognize my Shepherd. I see my Shepherd and I lack nothing and I have no need. I have no need and I have joy. I am happy. Back and forth.
So here I am again, giving my desires to you Lord. You have set the boundary lines in pleasant places. You promised it would go no further. I trust you and am trusting You for that. You've put some desires in my heart. I am sure that it is because you love me and want to bless me with them. Still, even if you never give me the things that my heart desires, I have all that I need! I lack nothing! I have you, my Shepherd. You are the love of my life and I delight in You! And if you choose to give me the desires of my heart, Lord thank you, but even if you don't, I will always be yours.