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Letting go

I am still praying today and am unsure of what God has planned for me here. I read in Isaiah this morning though, this verse about do not destroy the whole cluster of grapes that still has some blessing in it, so God spared the juice for his children. I don’t really understand it completely right now. I do think that this is another opportunity God is giving me to submit and step out of his way. That I need to release the marriage in my mind and heart and recognize that Chris has nothing to give me and that holding to him will give me nothing. That releasing him puts my mind in the healthiest place emotionally. I had felt before God telling me to not finish the divorce because the conviction is important for Chris, but holding onto it has given me false hope. If it is Gods will for this to stay together for now though, it is my decision to stand down and out of the way. To recognize that this marriage is over and let that reality sink into my heart and to move forward with that in my heart and live my life with me and my Lord and my kids. This morning, I am unsure if it is this way or that, but I am giving up control. At the moment, I’m not making plans. I’m going to enjoy today and enjoy my life. Maybe this isn’t really so much about what I do or don’t do in my own strength, but more about changing my own mindset. That I need to live as if the divorce is already done. And not that aimed at being selfish, but that in order that I can enjoy the Lord and enjoy the life he has given me, free of the worry and fear that threatens to try to make me take control out of Gods hands or paralyze me from moving forward. Maybe Be Still right now really just means enjoy this time with the Lord. Don’t worry about the man or the enemy on him.

Lord, I feel your peace today. Finally, I feel your peace

It’s not about willing him away or making rules for myself. Pray for him. If he comes to mind, pray. But you are broken up. He is your ex husband, not your husband. Live in that reality. Not so that you can live outside of your convictions. Don’t start dating, but don’t treat this man anymore with the respect or courtesy of a husband. He isn’t your husband.

The marriage, the conviction is good for him. It’s not good for me, but it’s good for him. I have to think about me, my kids, our lives. What we are doing. Forget the marriage. Obedience is something I can do without an emotional attachment.

You’ve plucked me out of the hands of the world. What can mere mortals do to me? You’ve got me!

Living loved. Praying for all these people, not just Chris, but all of my family and friends. That chains be broken, that truth pour into their eyes and ears. That you show them your light. That they walk in it. That you rescue them. And not praying with expectation that something in MY life is contingent on theirs and the outcome of their circumstance. Instead praying for their sakes. Because my life is already secure. I stand firm on your Rock.

I see a cloud. It looks like an archer pulling the bow back. Then I saw it shift and take aim and then it disappeared. This is a set up. You are about to release me for impact on the WORLD!

I’ve been clutching to this promise like a lifeline to my future when it’s just been a tether to my past. When I finally reached the end of the rope on this forward journey, it jerked me back. I cried and fell into depression as I realized it was my last tether to the past. I delayed releasing it. I clutched with a tight grip. Yes, your promise will come to pass, but only when I release this rope and let myself move forward into the future. Whatever that looks like! It’s not going to look like the past. The old life is destroyed, you have had your time to grieve and now it’s time to stand up on your feet and look to the future, knowing God has it covered.

It’s okay to want him. It’s just not okay to pursue him.

I’ve let go of the rope. Full speed ahead God!

Help me want the healer more than the healing. Help me want the savior more than the saving.

The depression came when I thought I was moving forward and suddenly I’m being jerked back by this rope I didn’t realize I was clinging desperately to. No Lord, I let it go. This is your son, your problem, and I have a life to live in forward. Yes, still waiting on your promise, but not at the cost of my present. You have things for me to do in the now.

Don’t grip anything in this world too tightly. Hold it while you have it with a loose grip. Enjoy it while it is there and if it leaves, is taken, or God asks for it back, do it with gladness in your heart for the time you had it, recognizing that it was never yours to keep and your real joy is in the giver, not the gift.

Isaiah 65:8-10

This is what the Lord says: “As when juice is still found in a cluster of grapes and people say, ‘Don’t destroy it, there is still a blessing in it,’ so will I do in behalf of my servants; I will not destroy them all. I will bring forth descendants from Jacob, and from Judah those who will possess my mountains; my chosen people will inherit them, and there will my servants live. Sharon will become a pasture for flocks, and the Valley of Achor a resting place for herds, for my people who seek me.

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