I called Chris today and apologized. And I broke things off again.
After a week and a half of spending lots of time with my ex, I see very clearly that God hasn’t done the work yet that He has promised to do. He has clearly been speaking to Chris, but Chris is not ready to turn his eyes away from the world and towards God. Am I disappointed? Oh, I’d be such a liar if I said no! Of course, I want God to do the work. BUT God, this is all in your timing! I will be faithful. I will wait. I will be patient. I will continue to pray. Lord, I don’t want this man until he is ready. Not a moment before he is ready.
I called Chris today. I told him that it’s great to tell me he respects my feelings about waiting to have sex until I am married, but he doesn’t. I want a man who sees my value. I want a man who sees his own value. Him pressing the sex topic proves that I am just the object in his eye right now, not that he has any respect for my value. And while I appreciate that he controlled himself, and I am not judging, because I have to be honest that my flesh wants it too, I am refraining, because we are not married and because I value myself and I value him. If he valued himself, he wouldn’t treat himself so cheaply. I won’t treat myself that way ever again. I told him I don’t want to be mean, but neither of us wants more of the same. We don’t want to try again just to fail again. And if we start something now, the way that he is, we will fail again. I need a man who is loving and following Christ and I would gladly follow and submit the rest of my life to that man, because he submits to God. But he isn’t there. He hasn’t humbled himself yet. So here I am, waiting.
He didn’t understand it. He said that my feelings about it did not make sense. We used to be married after all and we clearly love each other so why can’t we have sex? And I asked him am I his wife or are we dating or what? Where are we on the spectrum? He said we are getting to know each other. And that was the issue. We are getting to know each other, because he isn’t ready to commit to ONLY being with me, but we are married when he wants sex. I am not going to be used like that and even if other women are willing to use him in that way, I won’t disrespect him like that! Even if he wants it and I want it, I won’t use his body to get physical satisfaction for myself. It’s incredibly selfish and he really is more valuable then that. He doesn’t understand. The blinders are still on. Lord, please open his eyes to see you. I know if he knew you, he would see his worth.
It’s okay! Somehow, God has covered me in His peace that passes understanding. Somehow I realize that I still love him, but he doesn’t love me yet and somehow…somehow that is okay. I know what he will look like one day. God showed me that man. I will wait as long as it takes for God to transform him.
Romans 12:2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.
This is where I am now. Lord, your will be done. Now is not the time. Okay! Your will be done. And Lord, I am sorry for treading all over your toes these last few weeks. I shouldn’t have kissed him, because it brought out that appetite in him. I shouldn’t have even done that, but Lord still, thank you for allowing this, because it made me realize something about myself.
I believe God allowed this to prove something to me. I HAVE CHANGED. I am not the woman I was 9 months ago when our divorce started. I know who I am – God’s beloved daughter, his bride. I won’t sell myself short. Christ died for me and I was crucified with him, so it is not longer I who lives, but Christ who lives in me. Because of that, I am valuable. I matter. I won’t allow my flesh to control me. I won’t allow doubts to creep in and poison what I know is true. That I am valuable. And I feel stronger and more confident in this journey for that. I am keeping my eyes on you Lord.
I told Chris that he is valuable too. He is not the man he treats himself as. He is not worthless. He might not believe that, but it is absolutely true. God loves him. He might not think God cares, but God wouldn’t allow all of this to be happening to him – to us, if He didn’t love him – if he didn’t love us. God was not satisfied to leave us in the chaotic marriage that we were in. He wants better for both of us, because He loves both of us. One day, God. One day, I know you will do what you’ve promised to do. I don’t mind waiting anymore. Until this point, I’ve cried on my knees and begged for him back, but God I will wait as long as you need me to, for the man of God to come to life in him and I will wait with joy in my heart, because I know you are moving. I finally feel real joy. Real contentment, because I know that I have changed. I know that I am not in control and you are. I know that I have done a lot of healing and moving forward and I know that I am exactly where you want me to be – in the palm of your hand. I have stepped out of the boat onto the water in faith and now I am walking, hand in hand with you, towards the promise. I don’t have to be afraid and I don’t have to take matters into my own hands. I won’t leave your side, because I know you won’t leave mine. I won’t take my eyes off of you as much as I can help it, because I’ve seen the sorrow of falling back into old sin. I won’t tempt this man anymore, because I don’t just want to be the prize in his eye for the moment. I want to be the only woman he sees. One day, you will make him realize who he is, because it’s who You see him as. And once he knows his own value, he will realize mine too. I pray that you would continue to speak to his heart, convict him, love him, change him into the man of God you made him to be. Draw that man out of him, until his sin nature is so dead and gone, that he really doesn’t look like the man he used to be. And I praise you too Lord and thank you in advance for the good work I know you will do in his life. It’s the good work you have done in mine. Thank you for healing my heart. Now please God, please heal Chris’s too. Amen
You stormed right in and you tore apart the lies. You told me I had something beautiful inside. You brought to life a part of me I thought had died when you stormed right in and then I saw me. I saw me through your eyes.