I have had such a heavy cloud over me for many days.
I saw Chris two weeks ago when I went to bring the kids to him. It was a very frustrating confrontation. The bottom line of that whole fight was that he said there was no hope for us, because I would never change and I told him there was no hope for us, because I don’t trust him and I don’t want him anymore. That I am trying to take care of our kids and look out for their best interest, which I don’t believe he has in mind. I had put him out of my heart. Completely evicted him and I felt like I was fine with that.
Three days later, he texted me. The most amazing text I have seen from him yet. “This divorce has really got me messed up emotionally. Like I am a wreck. Lol. No crying or anything, just I don’t know what way to go.” When I read it, I remembered the vision. I remembered what God had shown me. The ground crumbled away from beneath his feet. He has started to fall. And I am awed by God for that. Truly, I am completely amazed. I believe God and His promises, but it is so hard some days to. I did not expect to see that day so soon. I guess just like I did not expect to see the “joy filled marriage/option 2” happen the way that it did. God is still working! Jesus, thank you that you are still working!
And I remembered the vision and asked God what I should respond to him. So many things came into my head. “You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”. I laughed a little thinking about that answer – a dark evil laugh. No, that was not the Lord.
John 14:6 “Jesus told his disciples, I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me”
“Jesus is the way”. That answer made me smile and think “See Lord! I will save him after all!”, but the Lord answered no. Jesus is the way. No one comes to the Father, except through him. And all of God’s words spoken from my lips will never save him or make him encounter Christ, the way that Christ will encounter him on his own. No, God has a plan to speak to the man, without my mouth. So I remembered the vision. When the ground fell out from his feet and he started to fall, what did I do? I turned away. I turned into the arms of my Lord and stopped watching Chris. So I turned away. I did not answer his text at all. I ignored it.
He came down the day before Easter to see the kids. He showed up unexpectedly. He asked us to go to lunch with him and we did. He sat on the same side of the table as me, as he has so many times before when he was trying to be romantic. Of course, he made the excuse that the TV was on my side, but I offered to switch him seats and he insisted that I should stay where I was. He kept reaching over my lap to try to play with Naomi. We took the kids to Chuck E Cheese afterwards. He kept trying to grab my hand when we passed the play pass back and forth. He kept trying and trying and trying. And God, I am grateful to see that, but I know what you asked me to do. You asked me to be still, to stand down, to stand my ground and stay out of Your way.
Psalm 46:10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
I am proud of myself for the interactions lately. I have not been reaching out. I have not been pursuing as I have in the past, but I have felt so much conflict in my soul over this.
And Lord, you are so good. He revealed something new to me today. I love Chris. I love my husband. I love him and God made me to love him. He is my neighbor, as the Bible says. And I am supposed to love him as much as I love myself. To deny that love is denying who I am. And I am supposed to, and do, love the Lord my God first and most. I do. I do Lord. I love you the most.
Matthew 22:37-39 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’
But I also realized today that I love Chris too. I love him and God made me to love him. I have felt so much conflict and division in my soul, because I thought I had to deny that part of myself. That is not true! Chris is one with me and God made me for him. Lord, you made me to love him and I should not reject that. But I need to not reveal it to Chris either. I need to love with actions, not words, but I also need to not pursue him. I got part of it right. The not pursuing him part was right. But I need to still love him. I can’t keep hiding that part of myself away and pretending it is not there. It is breaking me apart. Just, I can share that part of me with the Lord right now. Not with Chris. Chris can not be trusted with that pearl. I need to love him, but not pursue him – only pursue you Lord. One day, pursuing Chris will be pursing You, when he is pursuing you. But right now, today, is not that day.
“Never doubt in the shade what Jesus told you in the sunshine!” Lord, in the sunshine, you told me that you would restore our marriage. You! That is…YOU! You will restore our marriage, not me and not him. YOU.
“Whatever he told you in the shore is still true in the middle of the storm.” He told me to go to the other side. Help me focus on what you have called ME to do and not worry about what you are doing with him. Lord, I give YOU control.
Lord, thank you for releasing my heart to love him. I feel relief knowing that it is good for me to love him. But I want you most God. You love me! Although I do love him, I won’t tell him that again and I won’t pursue him. You still need me out of the way so that he will learn to pursue YOU. Not me, not women, not the world. You removed him from me so that I would learn to love you most and stop idolizing him. It is good for me to love him, but you are first. I love you first.
This is the piece I was missing. I was praying last night, and the Lord reminded me of the verse He has spoken over my life for years.
Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
As I prayed last night, I told Him, “Lord, I have the patient in affliction part down. I am being still. I am waiting. I am being very patient. I have that. Faithful in prayer, I have that too. I have been faithful to pray and pray and pray. Until I am dried up from all the tears I am crying. And even then, I still pray. I have that part down. But the joyful in hope. I don’t understand it and I am not there. I can’t find joy. I don’t know how to be joyful.” And this was God’s answer to me today. The hope for our future. I have to be joyful about the hope he has given me for the future. I have to continue to love this man who doesn’t love me. I have to continue to have hope and let that hope drive my joy. This is who God made me to be. I am Chris’s wife and I will be joyful, because there is a hope for our future. There is hope for our marriage. My love is genuine. I still love him and he still loves me and God will do what he promised to do. He will restore our marriage, after he has saved my husband and brought him back into the fold. I do have joy in that hope and I will live now with that hope. I am going to love him as I love and pursue Him.