“I’m not letting go of my ex-husband. He should have never left us like this.” And God says “Stop holding him!”
I’ve been struggling again with holding him and God made it plain to me once again tonight. I had the thought of “What if he comes walking up and knocks on the door right now?” I would let him in. He would ask me to sit down and then explain to me that God has done a miracle and changed his heart, that he loves the Lord now and that he is not the man he was before. The old man is dead and this new man is now alive. And of course I would be crying and rejoicing, because it is what I am waiting for. It’s my promise finally come to life! But the first thing I said to him was “What about Maria?” And so he tells me he’s ended it and it won’t happen again. That he knows God is calling him home to be my husband and be our children’s dad. So I prayed for us and begged God to keep the temptation from him, to put up blocks and keep him from falling to his sin again. I prayed that God would protect my heart and keep me from bitterness and help me to forgive. And I prayed that God would heal us together back into one flesh and that he would heal both of our broken hearts and put us back together in the way He has designed.
All good prayers, nothing wrong with it, except that once that was all said and done and we hugged and held each other, I asked “What now?” and I felt terribly empty. The truth is that I already have everything I need, because I have the Lord! Whether my husband is home in my arms or not doesn’t matter, so why am I hurting so badly over this?
And all of a sudden it hit me. I want to be in control of my husband. I can’t stand the thought of him out in the world doing everything that he is most certainly doing. I can’t stand that he could pretend to be happy with someone that isn’t the woman God made him to be with. I want to be in control of him and make him come home, so I can keep him on the path that I know is right.
Truthfully, this is NOT my problem to solve! I am not supposed to be in control of my husband! This is GOD’S problem! God is supposed to be the one in control of ME, in control of MY HUSBAND, in control of OUR KIDS! I have been holding onto my bitterness, thinking that somehow it gives me some control. But I need to give the control back to Christ. Lord, I am releasing my control and my desire to be in control back into your hands today.
Instead of trying to take control of Chris and his lifestyle, I RELEASE him into your hands. I RELEASE myself into your hands. You the only one capable of fixing this and you are in control!
Hebrews 12:1 says “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.”
God, help me release all of my offenses with him. When he comes home, I don’t want to say “What about this or that?” with doubt. I want to say “Welcome! Tell me about what God did in your life! I would love to know!”
Don’t I know you well enough Lord to be able to see You inside of him when the time is ready?
So if he comes back tomorrow, I want to say “I would love to spend some time together and get to know each other again.” I would love to give him the chance to date me in a safe place where the temptation is minimal. I would love to go to church together and let others see him and tell me if they see God in him. I would love to invite the Lord into our relationship to pick apart at all the problems. His actions will show Gods character in him. Why do I question that?
The thing I need to do more then anything, as God begins a new chapter, is to forget the past and look to the future. God, you will present yourself in the man you promised me. You told me before that he will not be recognizable as the man he once was. So when the time is right, it will be quite clear.
I know we will need to go to counseling as we begin to restore our marriage. I know there is rubble from the past that will still need to be cleaned up, before we can fully move forward into our future, so that we don’t stumble and trip over the same things that broke us the last time, but those things don’t need to be addressed there at the front door. That first interaction, the few that follow, God help me to see You in him and know it is You, so that I don’t have to fear or doubt. Help me to forget the past and look forward to what lies ahead.
Philippians 3:12-14 NLT
I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me. No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.