This place is peaceful. It’s also shadowed and frightening at times. The shadow of His wings. It is dark, but He is here. That is enough.
Recently, I got the most devastating, shaking news. My ex is engaged to his most recent girlfriend. It broke me for about 10 days. My first thought with that punch to the gut text from my ex was “God, are you even real?!” It’s all I could see as a possibility anymore.
Because my foundation has been grounded fully in this. Not to say that God has to come through with saving my husband and bringing him home to me or I can’t believe in Him anymore. No. The fact is that this is my foundation.
God is all powerful. God is good and His plans for me are good. Gods word is true.
So when I got the news of my husbands engagement, my thought was God lied to me. But God doesn’t lie, so how did He lie to me? It has to mean He isn’t real. God, are you even real?!
Over the next ten days, I had this Abraham laying Isaac on the altar kind of experience. God is real. He has to be real and His plans for me are good. His plans are good and He is strong enough to make good on them. He is strong enough and His words are true and He gave me His word. But am I going to hold God hostage to this word? And I finally gave up and said no. My promise is yours Lord. If you want me to give it back to you, I won’t hold you to this. I know you will accomplish your will in my life, whether it is by this plan or another.
At first Wednesday I’d written that I had too many voices coming at me. I needed God to silence them and help me only see and hear Him.
Then they played this song
“Be strong, be not afraid (dismayed)
For the Lord is soon on His way
He’ll tear through the dark
I remind my soul
He pulled me out of the pit
He put a song on my lips
He put my feet on the Rock
He spoke a word to my heart”
Then they played break every chain.
Then So will I and the last verse says “You’re the one who never leaves the one behind.”
Then “How dear to trust in Jesus,
Just to rest upon His promise,
Just to take him at His word”
Then our Pastor asked people to raise hands for prayer who needed to make a decision today and I raised my hand and was prayed for. He said “I just had a word. Some of you already know the answer. You just need the courage to do what God has already told you to do” and he looked right at me.
I guess this just hit me really hard, much harder then many of the other waves have. But God is saying he is coming, He will breakthrough, He is the one who set my feet on his Rock, He is the one who gave me this word. He is breaking the chains. He has left the 99 to go after the 1. Just rest in His promise and trust His word.
Why am I so foolishly doubting?! God is working and I am seeing miracles and I am crying as I see them happening and asking if I am insane and is God even real?! It’s crazy! Yeah I’m insane to doubt God!
Thank you God for the godly men and women in my life who spoke life back into me and reminded me of who God is. A woman of God, a friend at church, prophesied over me and suddenly, I was filled with boldness. I am confident that God is still working in this and is going to somehow do what he said He would do. That He is good, His plans for me are good, and that His word is true.
His plan is so much greater then “Sharon and Chris have a pretty family and marriage.” His plan he promised me was for ministry, for salvation of my husband, and for restoration of our marriage. And that extends to our children, to their children, to those who will be impacted in our lives, our kids lives, our grand kids lives. I’ve already seen God working this for good in others lives by his allowing me to be an encouragement to those around me. One of the greatest honors I’ve had over this last year is to hear my name being read from several friends journals when they quoted something I had shared that had encouraged them. God is so amazingly good to be using me and I am blessed for that!
This attack shook me so hard though. It did shake my foundation. But thank you Father, because I know I am standing on Your solid ground and I will not fall.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. — James 1:2-4
I have hope. I know that Chris won’t be AT ALL the man that he is now! It still does hurt me and break my heart that he is living in his sin, but you work all things together for good and you’re allowing him to live in the sin to take him to the pigpen. You want to save him radically from his sin. The man he will be is worth waiting for and worth the pain of the journey. Give me strength to continue. Amen
This happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life! John 9:3
God had given me a promise for a date, April 19. It happens to be my birthday. It also happened to be Chris’s deployment date for going to Afghanistan. It also happened to be Good Friday! I don’t believe in coincidence. God orchestrated all of that. So when he said “I will give you a gift that you really want on your birthday”, I believed Him.
We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. — Romans 8:28
April 19 came and I didn’t expect much. I felt like God was getting my hopes up. Chris was leaving for Afghanistan and he is what I wanted, so I expected to be disappointed. Y’all know that God gives us what we need though, even when we don’t know what we need. Chris texted me to ask if he could see the kids. He said he was delayed a day for the deployment. I told him yes, but we are going to Good Friday service so does he want to come. And he said yes! I was shocked. He hasn’t come to church in 2 years.
The service was amazing. Our pastor spoke about restoration. He actually said “Some of you has a marriage that needs to be restored. A relationship with your wife or your children.” God was speaking through our pastor.
As the music came up for worship, my daughter pulled me into the aisle. I fell to my knees crying and praying. When I looked towards Chris, I was shocked. He was praying. It was amazing to be all together there. I saw a wall begin to crumble.
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me… to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. — Isaiah 61:1, Isaiah 61:3
Chris came back to our house. We all hung out for the first time in 10 months. Finally it was getting late and I put the kids to bed. I asked him to wait so I could talk to him about something he said. We sat down in my theatre room and started talking and a few minutes turned into 7 hours.
Some of the conversation was amazing. Some of it was heart breaking. When he continued to talk about this woman he is in love with, I heard God telling me clearly to let him have his say, so that I could tell him about my true love, Christ. I was able to witness to him. I saw his mask cracking apart a lot. He found himself attracted to me. He even wanted to have sex. God reminded me of when this happened last year though and told me I did not have permission to pursue. To stay out of His way and also remember my value. I didn’t kiss him. I didn’t hug him. He put his hand on my knee and I held his hand. I told him I missed him. He said he misses me too. We have such transparent honesty. It was a night I am going to cherish and it was a night of great hope.
Since then, he’s left for his deployment. The communication has been difficult. Regardless, I am certain God is in the works for something amazing. I am so certain that suddenly is almost here. I have so much anxious hope for what God is doing.
I have been praying for many months about the possibility of Chris getting remarried and I felt God telling me that being married and having children is a blessing and God does not intend to bless Chris while he is in this season of sin. I also believe Afghanistan is going to be a catalyst that launches him into the Fathers arms. Lord thank you for beginning this good work. I know you will see it through to completion.