I am yours! That is who I am!
Last night, God gave me this amazing realization. I was thinking of Chris and how we used to be at night. When we would cuddle in the bed and how he felt against me, when he put his arms around me, or when he held my hand. It was always good and I loved it, but when I started to remember it, it was like I could feel him there with me and it was so empty!
I would feel him against me and then at some point I would have enough of that. I would hold his hand or his arm, but he would often withdraw. Often, I would hold his arm as a way of controlling him. I remember how soft his lips were and his smell. It was amazing, but then I look at You Lord. I remember your Spirit with me and what he gave me was nothing in comparison to you!
I remember when you moved in my soul. I remember and I realize I don’t need a husband to complete me. I want one, but I don’t need him to complete my testimony of joy. How can I be a bad testimony for the Lord when my story is victory and joy? Yes, I want my husband home and that is a desire, but I don’t need to be victorious in my marriage. I have victory with the Lord.
Lord, I know who I am. I am yours! That is who I am.
Proverbs 31:25 “She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future.”
She is clothed in strength and dignity. Why? Because she is the Lords! She laughs without fearing the future. How? Because she knows her future is Him! He is eternal. He never abandons her. He always loves her. She can’t drive him off! She is his queen and she knows it! Lord you love me! There is no wall you won’t kick down or lie you won’t tear down coming after me. You come after me fiercely like a lion and you love me ferociously. You pursue me, because you love me.
I have exactly what I want. I have a husband who loves me exactly as I am and that’s God. You adore me Lord! And while I want Chris home still, he is a shadow in comparison to what I have with you. Even when I get him back, he is never going to match up to you or give me what you give me. I’m so much better now then I was back then. I didn’t lose a thing when what I lost was empty and without you. Instead, I gained you! I gained the worlds most amazing! So anything more than You is just all these things added. When You give him back to me, that will just be an added blessing, but it won’t compare to what I already have with you. You are the one my soul loves.
It’s fine to want it, but I don’t need it. It is fine to want my husband and my marriage, but I don’t need it. I don’t need a motorbike. I don’t need a boat house. I don’t need a new job. I don’t need a new boyfriend. I don’t need a husband. I just want those things, but I have all I really want and need and I’m so full of joy! You have given me the desires of my heart, because the desire deep inside my heart is You! I love you Lord! I crazy amazing flipping love you. You are so insanely awesome!
And God, you are in the saving business, not me! His salvation is your business, so I’m stepping out of the way and I’m not going to worry about it anymore. You’ve got this. You promised me that you will someday rescue Chris from his sin and bring him back to you. You promised to restore our marriage and build a ministry. You’re going to do it in your time and your way and I don’t have to be your nagging wife anymore. I’m going to get out of the way and let you be God and I’m going to submit. You’ve said you will do it and I trust you and you always do what you say you’re going to do, so I’m going to stop bothering you about it and let you handle it!
I know these desires in my heart are where I bear your image Lord. I long for the desires you have given me, because they are your longing desires too. You want to restore your son to you. You want to restore our marriage. You want to make a ministry in us. Those desires are not something for me to be ashamed of, even here in the middle of the trial, because they are the places that you will show your glory.
Psalm 138:5 “May they sing of the ways of the Lord, for the glory of the Lord is great.”
Lord, you truly have set the boundary lines in pleasant places. You have put me and my kids in the crag of this rock and covered over the entrance with your hand. You are not just our comforter, but our protection too. This crag is beautiful and when my mind wanders to things of this earth, that is when I feel the oppression, but when I fix my eyes on you, I feel such peace and confidence. I’m not afraid. You are protecting us! Lord, you are so good!
I have been so afraid. Like a dog tied to a chair running through the streets, the fear has been chasing me, but you call me to be still. If I do, the loud clanging sounds die out and the chair, instead of being something terrifying that is chasing me, becomes a chair. It’s nothing to be afraid of. I have been scared of Chris coming back from his deployment. I have been scared of having to face him again, but I know the enemy is attacking me there. The devil would like me to stop being still and instead reach out and try to take control again. But Lord, you’ve called me again and again to be still and know that You are God! My sister confirmed this to me too and I am so grateful for that. She told me to be still, to not reach out to my ex, to stand my ground and stay out of God’s way. Be still and give God the space to do his work. The Lord will vindicate me and make this right.
Lord, you love me, you love the kids, and you love Chris and you always will. This is why you are in hot pursuit of Chris, but also even more then that, why you are in hot pursuit of me and my kids. You love us! You will not abandon the work you have done. Even when it is finished, you will protect it. God you are so amazingly good.
I have stepped forward, away from the canyon. Away from Chris, husband, ex husband, sin, shame, guilt, fear. I am walking quickly with joy, forward. Leaping forward!
Romans 16:20 “The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. The grace of our Lord Jesus be with you.”
You give peace and soon, you will defeat Satan and give me power over him. You will give Chris power over him. You will restore our family and give my children power over him. Soon.
Lord, thank you. My portion is you and the boundary lines have certainly fallen in pleasant places!