It’s been 7 weeks. 7 weeks since that night he decided to leave. Since I found out that he was in Thailand. We’ve had fights. We’ve had long stretches of not talking. I am so out of it. I mean the time is dragging and it’s flying. There’s so much to do that I guess it’s keeping me busy, but I feel exhausted too. I miss him. I just miss him.
He messaged earlier about wanting to get the kids, but he wanted me to bring them the whole way. Our agreement was that we would split the drive and meet in the middle. He said he didn’t have gas for the drive. I guess my thought is if you want your kids so badly, you’ll find a way to make that happen. I can’t always be the solution to every problem. But he says I am selfish when I don’t come up with the solution. It’s difficult.
I’ve been struggling. With doubt especially. It’s so hard to stand for a marriage when the ones you love the most think you are crazy. Even his mom. Of all people, I was certain his mom would be in support of me standing. But when I spoke to her today, I told her that I love him still and I prayed earlier in the week. I realized it’s okay to love him. I’m always going to love him. He’s the one the Lord made for me. I can’t just stop loving that piece of myself. She replied in her way, saying that she loves me and this is hard for her, but I will always in her heart be her daughter in law. She just wants me to be happy and I need to follow whatever Gods plan for my life is. No matter where that takes me. I guess her way of telling me to move on and get over it? Maybe that’s me just assuming things. My family looks at me like I am crazy though. Just move past this. The man is a cheater. He’s a liar. He’s a thief. He is self centered and narcissistic. He never really loved you. Your marriage wasn’t really ever real. Those are truly all things I have heard from my family.
I get it! I know I look like a crazy stalker person who just can’t get over her husband. I get that this is how it looks to the world. But I am not looking at this through worldly lenses. God made promises to me. Promises about who I was supposed to marry. About my future. All of His promises are true and I trust him. When I first met my husband, it was after a string of terrible relationships. I prayed and finally told God “I give up.” The Lord told me to stop looking and stop trying and stop dating altogether. Just give up and let Him take care of it. He knew where Mr. Right was. In fact, I had prayed to God for the man I was with before my husband. I begged God to just let me have this man and marry him. I was so infatuated with him, but to my surprise, God told me “I will give this man to you if you want him, but you won’t be happy.” Uh, no God! I don’t want this man just so I can not be happy! And then God told me “Wait a little longer. The next one will be the right one.” I was satisfied. Okay God. I will break up with this boyfriend then and wait for you to bring the right guy around.
I didn’t have to wait long. I was determined not to date, but my friend Rebecca quickly introduced me to this guy. I didn’t even want to date. I thought he was an old man. No seriously, the first time we met, I wasn’t looking at him well and I thought he was way older than he actually was. We just started seeing each other around work, then talking, then hanging out, and eventually it turned into something. Within the first month of us dating, he had moved in with me. We just clicked so well. We really loved spending time together.
Anyways, the point of all that was to say that God had told me this one was the right one. I saw that. It was promised, before I saw all the pieces. Before I even met the man. But it happened, just the way God promised it would. The next one was the right one. And then God promised that if we kept living in sexual sin, our marriage would fall apart. That happened too. Check out my blog “My harvest has come in” if you want to find out more about that. All I am saying here is that God makes promises to me and then he puts those promises into action and they happen. It’s not by any of my doing. Who can force a man to marry them? Who can plan for a marriage to fall apart? I didn’t plan for any of this, but it happened the way God promised it would. So then why is it so hard for people to believe that God won’t do what He has promised He would do, and someday draw my husband back to God and put our marriage back together? I get it. You can follow this point and that point after the fact and think that it just happened that way. But I am seeing it a little more clearly maybe? God has given me the Spiritual gift of Faith. I intend to blog about Spiritual gifts here pretty soon and will go into more detail on this, but I have this gift of Faith and it helps me to see the future picture more clearly. I know God is working here. I refuse to give up on the hopes and promises that He has given me. Call me crazy. Call me overly optimistic. Call me a stalker wife. Whatever. I don’t care. I know, I know, I know that all of Gods promises are true. I know the promises he made for me. I know that He will do what He has promised to do. He will restore my marriage, after He has saved my husbands soul.
Lord, I am waiting in anticipation for your promises to come true. I don’t know when. I don’t know how you are going to do it, but you promised me God. You promised me that you will and so I am expectant and waiting for that. I know that you love me. I know that your plans for me are good. For my best. God, I have faith in You. I have faith in your promises. I trust you more than anything else. I know that to others without this gift of faith, I just look crazy. Who would decide at 31 years old to wait, even if it’s the rest of her life, because God made a promise. I know it sounds crazy. But God, it was crazy for Abraham and Sarah to have a child. She wasn’t physically able to have children anymore, yet you did it. You promised it and you came through. I know God that you made this promise, so I will wait. No matter how long it takes, I trust you and I know that your promises are not empty. I may not be able to trust anyone in this world, but God I can and I do trust you.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Psalm 18:16-19 He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.